Holy Crap, an Ice Storm ... Let's Block the TV!

This is not Southern California; it's Chicago. As far as I can tell, this city has been heavily populated for several decades now; and during that time, it's always been very cold and snowy here during winter. But one thing never ceases to amaze me: when the first ice storm of the season hits, news outlets think it's a "breaking story."

My first gripe (yeah, I know, I bitch alot) is that the local stations find it necessary to place a gigantic graphic picture in the lower left corner of the TV screen during prime time...It really invades my viewing pleasure when I'm attempting to watch reruns of Law and Order SVU.

Secondly, it seems that every news brief aired during the breaks looks and sounds like this,

"Winter storms hit Chicago area, see how citizens react to the sudden
onslaught of cold." --local news affiliate headline

What onslaught? It's December you idiots, not July! If this happened on July4th, it'd be news.

...and I'll tell you how people react: they either drive way too fast and slide off the road, or they drive entirely too slowly and get rear-ended by the guy driving too fast! But is that really news when it happens every year? I'd much rather hear Drew Peterson (the local cop suspected of killing 2 of his wives) talk about how his missing wife, Stacey, was a raving witch during her menstrual cycle, or how she wanted a "boobjob and tummy tuck" and he bought it for her on his modest cop salary. (his words, not mine)

Anyway, I know the best way to combat a cold night: meet my brother at Starbucks for a hot latte and some relaxing conversation, and then head home and curl up on the couch and feed my blog. Goodnight!

Bag Phone, Brick Phone & Bluetooth Couth

Dictionary.com Unabridged (v 1.1)
couth /kuθ/ Pronunciation Key - [kooth]
–adjective
1. showing or having good manners or sophistication; smooth:
2. good manners; refinement: to be lacking in couth.

When I was a kid, rich people had car phones. You could pick em' out because of the little squiggly antenna on the back window. But sometime in the latter 1980s, the car phone went mobile. It came in the form of a faux-leather fanny pack attached to a black handset that looked like you got it from the bedside table at the Motel 6:...it was the Bag Phone. It was big; it was bulky; but most of all, it was freakish! I mean, fanny packs were never cool anywhere were they? In fact, to wear a fanny pack, the style gods dictated you also have on Sansabelt slacks, white tube socks and penny loafers. Still, those willing to pay 1-dollar-and-68-cents-per-minute were abundant. I'd see them coming through the line at the grocery store I worked in. It seemed strange to me however, that they were always talking on the thing as they were checking out...as if to say to the rest of us, "I got this really cool fanny packed bag phone, and I'm gonna yell at my mom through it while you put my canned ham and Hot Rod Magazine in paper AND plastic, dude!"
In those days, it was kind of embarrassing for me to overhear someone's private conversation in a crowded, public place. It freaked me out. Either way, people who owned the bag phone were rude, yet cool in their own minds.
A couple years later came the Brick Phone. This one bothered me too; mainly because it was a very strange shade of off-white-grayish, and because when someone had it up to their face, it looked as if they were calling in an air strike!
But the bag and brick phones have nothing on today's technology when it comes to "freakin' me out." Nowadays, it's the blue tooth earpiece that's making me nuts. In this case, the device in and of itself is pretty neat. But the people that use them have nearly drawn me to blows.
Like today after work: I stopped over at Starbucks to grab a grande' with whipped latte... As I neared the counter to order, a guy sitting in the corner across the way looked right at me and annoyingly said, "Did you want me to bring you some damn coffee too?"
He was literally on the other side of the shop, but his voice was loud, like he was calling out to me.
I paused, and said, "Are you talkin' ta me?" ...in my best Chicago accent.
He kept staring in my direction and once again said, "Look, do you want a freakin' coffee or not?!"
I began to walk over to him, at which point he leaned his head down and mumbled, "I gotta go," and then reached to his ear and and touched his roach-sized bluetooth headset. Suddenly, as if coming out of a hypnotic state, he looked up and me and kindly said, "Oh, hello, can I help you with something?"
I immediately figured out that none of his conversation was directed at me ... it was just his lack of BlueTooth Couth that caused him to nearly throw me into a rage.

It seems that people who use these bluetooth sets have 3 things in common:

1) the thing is always in their ear...all day long at work, at home,
weddings, funeral, barmitzvahs; everywhere, all the time, and because of
this, they are always talking on it openly.
2) since the device does not actually stretch all the way to the mouth, people feel they need to speak loudly for it to pick up the sound.
3)because it requires no hands, people tend to keep their head
up, indicating interaction with everyone around them. With a traditional cell phone, it is a natural reaction to dip your head a bit as you speak into it...not so with
blue tooth. In addition, when people use a bluetooth, they go into a trance-like state where even though they are looking right at you, they do not see you until the call is terminated.

You might think that I am just a little overly sensitive...
A few weeks ago, I was taking the train downtown for a meeting. This particular morning, it was standing room only, and even the aisles were shoulder-to-shoulder. About 10 minutes into the trip, a short guy (yep, shorter than me) wearing a suit next to me loudly declares, "I'm gonne be late ta da freekin' meeting, so just wait on me!"
I, too, was wearing a suit and attending a meeting, so I looked at him and realized that he was looking right at me.
"Are you going to the AT&T telecom meeting also?" I asked.
His gaze remained fixed on me and he said again (a little louder this time) "Look Pal, Um on my way over-by-dare and will get ta da place double quick, ya got it?"
"Yeah sure buddy," I said. "What company do you represent?"
Once again came that familiar "awakening" as he came out of his bluetooth trance, looked in my eyes, scoffed, and pushed his way through the crowd to the other end of the train car.
Needless to say, I was completely embarrassed when I saw that silver thing sticking out of his ear as he turned the other way. The whole time he had been speaking on it and I just assumed that since he was looking directly at me; and going to a meeting; and wearing a suit; on the same train as me; that he must be talking to me?!?!?
Publice Service Announcement: If you have a bluetooth headset ... get some bluetooth couth before you take it out and use it!

Am I the only one with this issue? please help...
Disclaimer: Chicago accents represented in this story are the responsibility of the reader and his or her own preconceived notions of what one actually sounds like. If you're not sure, go rent a copy of the Blues Brothers, and then come back and read this article again.

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I need my Ketchup you Bastards!

There's a new trend afoot within the restaurant industry, and it tees me off big time! It has to do with the simplest of condiments: ketchup. Throughout my life, when dining at a "Bar and Grill" type restaurant (ya know, burger, fries and beer or Coke), I've taken great pleasure in dipping the entire contents of my plate into a wide, slithering mound of ketchup. There's just something pleasing about drowning everything in tangy goodness and packing it down with Coors Lt. The bottle is always conveniently located on the table next to the salt and pepper, so you never find yourself wanting...

However, on a recent trip to Hoolihan's Restaurant in Schererville, IN, I was left feeling shorted, upset and angry.

Instead of allowing me to squirt my own ketchup directly from the bottle, they included only a small, white, plastic "cup" of ketchup with my meal...no bottles anywhere in site. Now the reader will need to realize that I was eating chicken fingers (yep, gay food) and fries, so ketchup was an essential cross-over dip with both food items. In addition, the service was horrible this night, and I actually felt guilty asking the server to "please bring 10 more of these little cups of ketchup."

I noticed that Red Lobster started doing this a few years ago also, but it is not as bothersome there because I normally don't dip my crab legs in the stuff.



I am not without understanding here either. I know the bastards who watch the bottom line profits are trying to save the waste, but not at the expense of customer convenience! Afterall, I'm already paying a 400% markup on the "Big Beer," so what's a a few cents in ketchup gonna hurt?

And McDonald's does the same thing. I always "Large Size" my meals, and in turn, I ask for "Super Size Ketchup." Whenever I do this, the $5-dollar-an-hour counter helper smirks at me and puts 3 packets in the bag. Are you kidding me? How about 20 packets you bastards!

Is there anyone else out there that feels this pain, or is it just me? Please leave a comment and vote in my poll about this.

(and yes, I do have possession of those little plastic cups...they just ended up in my to-go box somehow?!?!?!?)

Gobble gobble...

If you like posts where I "rant and rave," you might also find this post appealing:

"Micro-Managed Trick or Treat"

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An open letter to: DIY Network, Desperate Landscapes, Jason Cameron

I am a fan of home improvement TV, but DIY Network's "Desperate Landscapes," hosted by pretty boy, Jason Cameron, is pile of misleading crap that only masks an underlying problem.
Here is a description of the show from their website:

"A little peer pressure goes a long way when you've got a dull and Desperate
Landscape! Watch as Jason Cameron and his team of experts visit homeowners
nominated as having the worst front yards on their block, then help them to make
incredibly dramatic changes in just one day. "

First off, the host, Cameron, is NOT a landscape architect. He's also NOT a landscape designer. Finally, he's NOT even a landscape contractor. Yet he is billed as a "pro" when he meets and works with the homeowners throughout the show. Interestingly enough, the statement above leads you believe that he is accompanied by a "team of experts." However, in the show's video intro, it says, "Jason Cameron, landscape pro and all around handy guy takes..."

Is Cameron a professional or not? Some of you may think I am splitting hairs here, but in my opinion, this degrades the landscape trade. It makes it appear as if anyone who happens to be an all around "handy-man" is already qualified to install hardscapes and plantings. This is misleading to the would-be do-it-yourselfer.

Here is Cameron's bio from the DIY Network website:

"A native of Toledo, Ohio, Jason Cameron is experienced in carpentry and home
remodeling, as well as being an outdoorsman and sportsman. He is a familiar face
to home improvement fans, having been lead carpenter on the TLC series, While
You Were Out. Jason worked his way through college as a carpenter while
attending Northern Michigan University. He is also certified as a personal
trainer, specializing in strength and conditioning. In his spare time, Jason
enjoys working out at the gym, playing volleyball and basketball, and of course,
doing carpentry projects. He currently resides with his wife, Mary Ann, in New
Jersey."

Once again, nothing about landscaping in that bio. It looks to me like the main reason he's qualified is because of his big biceps.

Secondly, the work done on the show is second class. While I will give them props for using a decent variety of plants, and for displaying the the correct pricing, the work Cameron does is poop. In one episode, (see video here under "rustic paver walkway" ) they install cement pavers on top of an existing, unlevel sidewalk. To combat the heaved cement, Cameron decides to use a sledge hammer to remove some of the high areas, yet leaves the cement sidewalk intact in other spots. He then proceeds to scrape a layer of sand across the whole thing and set the pavers. For the record, this is a crime against all hardscapes, and it is dangerous! You NEVER NEVER NEVER install hard pavers on top of an existing cement slab. The reason the existing sidewalk is out of level is due to an improperly prepared base. By adding pavers on top, you will do nothing but make the problem worse. After the first hard freeze, those pavers will move and become unlevel themselves, causing a major safety concern.

The only proper way to lay cement paving stones is over a properly excavated footprint that has been layered with limestone crush to a depth of 4-6" and thoroughly tamped.
(I've lost some of you here I'm sure, so just know that Jason Cameron is an idiot)

Another reason the show is misleading goes back to it's basic premise: that being the "desperate" landscape itself. Folks, landscapes are desperate because their owners are not.

Think about this: Caesar Milan has a show called the "Dog Whisperer," and his claim to fame is that he "rehabilitates dogs, and trains owners."
Caesar says the problem is not the dog, but rather the owner. The dog lives by instinct and breeding, and it's up to the owner to be the "pack leader" and steer the dog in the right direction.
Same with landscapes friends! Trees and shrubs, and grass and weeds, are going to grow as the rain falls and the sun shines. It is up to the homeowner to train these elements and keep them under control. Just because a crew from DIY Network swoops in and installs an entirely new landscape doesn't guarantee a lazy homeowner will decide to take care of it.

To sum it up: a landscape that Jason Cameron saves from being desperate, will be desperate again in under 2 years.
Maybe we should start a DIY show on educating homeowners about taking care of their lawn and land, instead of replacing it? Or maybe they should all just come to this blog and learn for themselves. Finally, I would love to see what these landscapes look like a couple years after their makeover. I don't think Desperate Landscapes has been in production long enough, but if any of you readers know of someone who has been on the show, please drop me a note here.

If you liked this post about lazy and desperate landscapes, try this one:
"Low Maintenance Landscapes"

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CBS backhands troops with Millennium Generation report

60 Minutes' report on today's "Millennium" generation has once again proven the entire staff there, including Morley Safer is old, out of touch, and should retire. The gist of the entire segment was that young adults these days (20-25 year-olds) want to earn a living only on their own terms, which means having a flippant attitude towards management, rules and corporate structure.

Read the full story on the Millennium Generation here

Dirty truckers keep finding me, Thanks Google

In the midst of all the blogs out there that claim to be able to increase your Google page rank and importance and whatever else, I have a claim to fame for this little blog; and it ain't pretty.

Some of you may remember this little post from a couple months back. In short, I was ranting and raving in disgust with all the billboards along Florida's interstate 75 advertising Oriental Massage for wayward truck drivers.

Florida is about family, fun, sun and Disney World, ... not horny truck drivers looking for a happy ending at a roadside whore house.

Well, guess what? Google ranks me number one in their searches for these two key words, "Trucker," and "Massage."

I guess my clever and witty humor noting the similarities between "lawn" care and "life" care means nothing to Google.

You may be thinking, "Al, you're over-reacting...this is no big deal" --until you realize just how many dirty-ass-pervs there are out there actually searching those 2 words!

I've been using a couple of different tools to track my incoming links for this blog. One is from MyBlogLog, and another from BumpZ... and just today, I installed Google Analytics.

Here's the scary part: MyBlogLog and BumpZ only give you brief summaries of your hits and where they originated from. Google analytics, however, is quite comprehensive.

Long story short: Since my rant was published on this subject back in August, MyBlogLog has recorded 39 hits resulting from the key words "trucker" and "massage" searched through Google.

Keep in mind, a "hit" means that the jerkweed actually clicked on to this page to view the article.

Here's the scariest part: Google analytics recorded 7 search hits using these 2 key words just in the past 10 hours!

I don't really know what else to say here except that the internet is a very strange place sometimes. Can you catch cooties from some dirtbag surfing your page?

At the end of the day, I certainly hope I at least pissed off one or two of these freakin' degenerates when they read my post and what it was aiming at. Here's a word of advice: If you're a trucker looking for some fun on the road: take your wife with you next time!

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Micro-Managed Trick or Treat

The concept of Halloween has changed a lot in 20 years. In the 1980s, my friends and I started the day's festivities about 6 AM as we dressed in our costumes for school. In those days my favorite character was your standard Dracula. My version of ole' Drac came complete with white face paint, blood dripping from the corners of my mouth, plastic fangs and a black valour cape. If I was lucky, I could find a knotted branch from a crape myrtle tree to use as a magic staff.
The school day was pretty much a throw away on Halloween; filled with parties, costume contests and dramatic improv. (that's why I dressed as Drac because I got to, well, ya know, suck on the girls' necks!) I also remember a particular teacher, Mrs. Stutgert -- a genuine witchy woman -- but on this one day every year, she came dressed as Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz, complete with her gray wire-haired sheepdog, Toto.
Following the bus ride home from school, the treating started. We'd knock every door all the way home and have a half-filled pillow case by 3:15 pm!
By 5, we were back out and hitting up every door within a 3-block radius. To finish off the night, we begged our parents to take us to what we assumed were "rich" neighborhoods, because those people gave away better candy; or so we figured. That usually took us to about 9pm. The treat gathering ended and we headed for home, but not before stopping at McDonald's for a free swirl cone.
Today, the entire process is controlled by governments, school boards and homeowners associations. Tricks and treats have been regulated to the point where it is nearly impossible to pick up the bounty of candy a kid desires: plus, it just ain't any fun anymore.
First off, my boys (they're in Junior High) are not allowed to wear costumes to school on Halloween. The only opportunity they had to share their creativity was at a Fall dance 2 weeks ago. My boys didn't dress up for it though, and good thing, because neither did any of the other kids ... it was just too early. What's more, the school sent home a list of "prohibited" costume-wear.
--no masks
--no full face paint
--no "all black" clothing
--no trench coats or cloaks
--no blood or perceived violent characterizations
So, basically, Mrs. Stutgert's Dorothy would be approved, but the Tin Man, Lion and Scarecrow are all off limits!
And then, us parents have to look in the paper to find out what times the town has approved the actual "Trick or Treat."
Funny, this year it's from 4-6 PM ... I work until 5 and have a 45-minute commute. It figures that government workers would be able to start their trick or treating at 4PM. Plus, it's not even dark at that time, what the heck?
Finally, to top it off, a list was published of certain subdivisions that were "highly discouraging" trick or treaters from neighborhoods outside of the town.
I told the kids that this year, we're foregoing the candy gathering; it's just too restrictive. Instead, we're going to toilet-paper the mayor's house ... no one has outlawed that yet!

What will I write about during Winter?

I got an email today from a fan of this blog (no lie, really, a real life fan!) and he wanted to know just what topics I'll explore now that the lawn season is pretty much over here in the Chicago area.
"Have no fear," I replied. "Allyn Paul is full of ideas and opinions and bitches and whines."
I plan to still include some Life and Lawn type articles, but I will sprinkle in some more ranting, raving, lame attempts at humor and the occasional post about making money blogging.(hey, buy something here please...) More importantly, I will share with you my knowledge on home improvement. This winter, I am tasked with finishing "Man Land," a.k.a. the basement bathroom. I want to take you step by step through that process.
Oh, and I almost forgot, I need to teach these young kids who are new to home ownership (you know who you are over there on the right in the "blog friends" links) how to put up Christmas lights the right way. One of my pet peeves are Christmas lights that are hung all crooked and crappy! Sheesh! Oh, and please don't put up the multi-colored C6 lights (the fat ones) that were popular in 1982! Stick to a nice, clean, clear light that looks fresh and...well, you'll have to wait for the post and pics on this one...
Last thing: please pray for me as I am feeling a little empty nest syndrome since I tucked my lawn mower in to hibernation for the long winter to come. See the pics, and send your comforting thoughts my way please.

Trucker Massage and Cheap Disney Tickets

Quick Note Tonight: Becky and I just returned from a long road trip that had us driving South on I-75 through Georgia and into Florida. It's a route I am quite familiar with, but have not traveled in nearly 15 years.
It is quick and mostly trouble-free -- cutting through the heart of my home state ... but something has changed. Don't get me wrong, there are still literally dozens of billboards and signs enticing travelers to pull over for cheap pecans and peaches, and later into the journey, those are replaced by "get cheap Disney Tickets here," and "Florida oranges by the dozen."
There are also hundreds of the old faithful signs advertising the "World Famous Ron Jon Surf Shop."
But something has been added ... something troubling. Dotted about every 10 miles or so are advertisements for "spa massage."
Now, at first mention, the reader may not see this as anything strange, but you'd have to get a since of the entire marketing being employed to get the gist.
First off, the signs are mostly printed with red lettering and yellow background. To me, this has a real "red light district" feel.
Secondly, there is usually a picture of a young oriental girl on the sign. Now maybe I'm stepping out a little far here, but I think this is a draw to truckers, who, are many times Vietnam Vets who indulged in the local prostitutes while deployed "in country."
What's more, the establishments are located in small strip malls right at the exits where really nothing else exists besides, ...well..., truck stops.
Finally, the most damning thing about these signs is the fact that they advertise, "trucker friendly parking areas."
So, you put those 4 together, and draw your own conclusions ... to me it's pretty clear.
And, it's sickening!

If I were a trucker, I'd be offended that the owners of these establishments think they could appeal to me on this level. Are they saying that truckers are just dirty old men looking for a happy ending with a young oriental girl?

And finally, what the hell is Florida law enforcement doing about this? Furthermore, doesn't anyone in Florida find this offensive? Is this the first thing you want tourists seeing as they sing the Mickey Mouse song while crossing the famous Swanee River on their way to Orlando? Talk about "visions of sugar plums!"

Look folks, I'm all for the "It's a Small World" ride and it's message of cross-culture unity, but this is ridiculous!