Bag Phone, Brick Phone & Bluetooth Couth

Dictionary.com Unabridged (v 1.1)
couth /kuθ/ Pronunciation Key - [kooth]
–adjective
1. showing or having good manners or sophistication; smooth:
2. good manners; refinement: to be lacking in couth.

When I was a kid, rich people had car phones. You could pick em' out because of the little squiggly antenna on the back window. But sometime in the latter 1980s, the car phone went mobile. It came in the form of a faux-leather fanny pack attached to a black handset that looked like you got it from the bedside table at the Motel 6:...it was the Bag Phone. It was big; it was bulky; but most of all, it was freakish! I mean, fanny packs were never cool anywhere were they? In fact, to wear a fanny pack, the style gods dictated you also have on Sansabelt slacks, white tube socks and penny loafers. Still, those willing to pay 1-dollar-and-68-cents-per-minute were abundant. I'd see them coming through the line at the grocery store I worked in. It seemed strange to me however, that they were always talking on the thing as they were checking out...as if to say to the rest of us, "I got this really cool fanny packed bag phone, and I'm gonna yell at my mom through it while you put my canned ham and Hot Rod Magazine in paper AND plastic, dude!"
In those days, it was kind of embarrassing for me to overhear someone's private conversation in a crowded, public place. It freaked me out. Either way, people who owned the bag phone were rude, yet cool in their own minds.
A couple years later came the Brick Phone. This one bothered me too; mainly because it was a very strange shade of off-white-grayish, and because when someone had it up to their face, it looked as if they were calling in an air strike!
But the bag and brick phones have nothing on today's technology when it comes to "freakin' me out." Nowadays, it's the blue tooth earpiece that's making me nuts. In this case, the device in and of itself is pretty neat. But the people that use them have nearly drawn me to blows.
Like today after work: I stopped over at Starbucks to grab a grande' with whipped latte... As I neared the counter to order, a guy sitting in the corner across the way looked right at me and annoyingly said, "Did you want me to bring you some damn coffee too?"
He was literally on the other side of the shop, but his voice was loud, like he was calling out to me.
I paused, and said, "Are you talkin' ta me?" ...in my best Chicago accent.
He kept staring in my direction and once again said, "Look, do you want a freakin' coffee or not?!"
I began to walk over to him, at which point he leaned his head down and mumbled, "I gotta go," and then reached to his ear and and touched his roach-sized bluetooth headset. Suddenly, as if coming out of a hypnotic state, he looked up and me and kindly said, "Oh, hello, can I help you with something?"
I immediately figured out that none of his conversation was directed at me ... it was just his lack of BlueTooth Couth that caused him to nearly throw me into a rage.

It seems that people who use these bluetooth sets have 3 things in common:

1) the thing is always in their ear...all day long at work, at home,
weddings, funeral, barmitzvahs; everywhere, all the time, and because of
this, they are always talking on it openly.
2) since the device does not actually stretch all the way to the mouth, people feel they need to speak loudly for it to pick up the sound.
3)because it requires no hands, people tend to keep their head
up, indicating interaction with everyone around them. With a traditional cell phone, it is a natural reaction to dip your head a bit as you speak into it...not so with
blue tooth. In addition, when people use a bluetooth, they go into a trance-like state where even though they are looking right at you, they do not see you until the call is terminated.

You might think that I am just a little overly sensitive...
A few weeks ago, I was taking the train downtown for a meeting. This particular morning, it was standing room only, and even the aisles were shoulder-to-shoulder. About 10 minutes into the trip, a short guy (yep, shorter than me) wearing a suit next to me loudly declares, "I'm gonne be late ta da freekin' meeting, so just wait on me!"
I, too, was wearing a suit and attending a meeting, so I looked at him and realized that he was looking right at me.
"Are you going to the AT&T telecom meeting also?" I asked.
His gaze remained fixed on me and he said again (a little louder this time) "Look Pal, Um on my way over-by-dare and will get ta da place double quick, ya got it?"
"Yeah sure buddy," I said. "What company do you represent?"
Once again came that familiar "awakening" as he came out of his bluetooth trance, looked in my eyes, scoffed, and pushed his way through the crowd to the other end of the train car.
Needless to say, I was completely embarrassed when I saw that silver thing sticking out of his ear as he turned the other way. The whole time he had been speaking on it and I just assumed that since he was looking directly at me; and going to a meeting; and wearing a suit; on the same train as me; that he must be talking to me?!?!?
Publice Service Announcement: If you have a bluetooth headset ... get some bluetooth couth before you take it out and use it!

Am I the only one with this issue? please help...
Disclaimer: Chicago accents represented in this story are the responsibility of the reader and his or her own preconceived notions of what one actually sounds like. If you're not sure, go rent a copy of the Blues Brothers, and then come back and read this article again.

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I need my Ketchup you Bastards!

There's a new trend afoot within the restaurant industry, and it tees me off big time! It has to do with the simplest of condiments: ketchup. Throughout my life, when dining at a "Bar and Grill" type restaurant (ya know, burger, fries and beer or Coke), I've taken great pleasure in dipping the entire contents of my plate into a wide, slithering mound of ketchup. There's just something pleasing about drowning everything in tangy goodness and packing it down with Coors Lt. The bottle is always conveniently located on the table next to the salt and pepper, so you never find yourself wanting...

However, on a recent trip to Hoolihan's Restaurant in Schererville, IN, I was left feeling shorted, upset and angry.

Instead of allowing me to squirt my own ketchup directly from the bottle, they included only a small, white, plastic "cup" of ketchup with my meal...no bottles anywhere in site. Now the reader will need to realize that I was eating chicken fingers (yep, gay food) and fries, so ketchup was an essential cross-over dip with both food items. In addition, the service was horrible this night, and I actually felt guilty asking the server to "please bring 10 more of these little cups of ketchup."

I noticed that Red Lobster started doing this a few years ago also, but it is not as bothersome there because I normally don't dip my crab legs in the stuff.



I am not without understanding here either. I know the bastards who watch the bottom line profits are trying to save the waste, but not at the expense of customer convenience! Afterall, I'm already paying a 400% markup on the "Big Beer," so what's a a few cents in ketchup gonna hurt?

And McDonald's does the same thing. I always "Large Size" my meals, and in turn, I ask for "Super Size Ketchup." Whenever I do this, the $5-dollar-an-hour counter helper smirks at me and puts 3 packets in the bag. Are you kidding me? How about 20 packets you bastards!

Is there anyone else out there that feels this pain, or is it just me? Please leave a comment and vote in my poll about this.

(and yes, I do have possession of those little plastic cups...they just ended up in my to-go box somehow?!?!?!?)

Gobble gobble...

If you like posts where I "rant and rave," you might also find this post appealing:

"Micro-Managed Trick or Treat"

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An open letter to: DIY Network, Desperate Landscapes, Jason Cameron

I am a fan of home improvement TV, but DIY Network's "Desperate Landscapes," hosted by pretty boy, Jason Cameron, is pile of misleading crap that only masks an underlying problem.
Here is a description of the show from their website:

"A little peer pressure goes a long way when you've got a dull and Desperate
Landscape! Watch as Jason Cameron and his team of experts visit homeowners
nominated as having the worst front yards on their block, then help them to make
incredibly dramatic changes in just one day. "

First off, the host, Cameron, is NOT a landscape architect. He's also NOT a landscape designer. Finally, he's NOT even a landscape contractor. Yet he is billed as a "pro" when he meets and works with the homeowners throughout the show. Interestingly enough, the statement above leads you believe that he is accompanied by a "team of experts." However, in the show's video intro, it says, "Jason Cameron, landscape pro and all around handy guy takes..."

Is Cameron a professional or not? Some of you may think I am splitting hairs here, but in my opinion, this degrades the landscape trade. It makes it appear as if anyone who happens to be an all around "handy-man" is already qualified to install hardscapes and plantings. This is misleading to the would-be do-it-yourselfer.

Here is Cameron's bio from the DIY Network website:

"A native of Toledo, Ohio, Jason Cameron is experienced in carpentry and home
remodeling, as well as being an outdoorsman and sportsman. He is a familiar face
to home improvement fans, having been lead carpenter on the TLC series, While
You Were Out. Jason worked his way through college as a carpenter while
attending Northern Michigan University. He is also certified as a personal
trainer, specializing in strength and conditioning. In his spare time, Jason
enjoys working out at the gym, playing volleyball and basketball, and of course,
doing carpentry projects. He currently resides with his wife, Mary Ann, in New
Jersey."

Once again, nothing about landscaping in that bio. It looks to me like the main reason he's qualified is because of his big biceps.

Secondly, the work done on the show is second class. While I will give them props for using a decent variety of plants, and for displaying the the correct pricing, the work Cameron does is poop. In one episode, (see video here under "rustic paver walkway" ) they install cement pavers on top of an existing, unlevel sidewalk. To combat the heaved cement, Cameron decides to use a sledge hammer to remove some of the high areas, yet leaves the cement sidewalk intact in other spots. He then proceeds to scrape a layer of sand across the whole thing and set the pavers. For the record, this is a crime against all hardscapes, and it is dangerous! You NEVER NEVER NEVER install hard pavers on top of an existing cement slab. The reason the existing sidewalk is out of level is due to an improperly prepared base. By adding pavers on top, you will do nothing but make the problem worse. After the first hard freeze, those pavers will move and become unlevel themselves, causing a major safety concern.

The only proper way to lay cement paving stones is over a properly excavated footprint that has been layered with limestone crush to a depth of 4-6" and thoroughly tamped.
(I've lost some of you here I'm sure, so just know that Jason Cameron is an idiot)

Another reason the show is misleading goes back to it's basic premise: that being the "desperate" landscape itself. Folks, landscapes are desperate because their owners are not.

Think about this: Caesar Milan has a show called the "Dog Whisperer," and his claim to fame is that he "rehabilitates dogs, and trains owners."
Caesar says the problem is not the dog, but rather the owner. The dog lives by instinct and breeding, and it's up to the owner to be the "pack leader" and steer the dog in the right direction.
Same with landscapes friends! Trees and shrubs, and grass and weeds, are going to grow as the rain falls and the sun shines. It is up to the homeowner to train these elements and keep them under control. Just because a crew from DIY Network swoops in and installs an entirely new landscape doesn't guarantee a lazy homeowner will decide to take care of it.

To sum it up: a landscape that Jason Cameron saves from being desperate, will be desperate again in under 2 years.
Maybe we should start a DIY show on educating homeowners about taking care of their lawn and land, instead of replacing it? Or maybe they should all just come to this blog and learn for themselves. Finally, I would love to see what these landscapes look like a couple years after their makeover. I don't think Desperate Landscapes has been in production long enough, but if any of you readers know of someone who has been on the show, please drop me a note here.

If you liked this post about lazy and desperate landscapes, try this one:
"Low Maintenance Landscapes"

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Thou Shalt Not Covet Thy Neighbor's Lawn

"My neighbor's lawn looks a whole lot better than mine, and he never does
anything to it."
-- covetous homeowner

I hear this a lot, so let me address it by taking it away from the context of lawns, and placing it within the framework of life.

Do these statements seem logical?...
(1) Your neighbor's wife looks hotter & happier than yours, and he never pays any attention to her.
(2) Your neighbor's kids are perfectly behaved, and he never gives them any direction, rules or discipline.
(3) Your neighbor makes more money than you and he never goes to work.
(4) Your neighbor's car is in better shape than yours and he never washes it or changes the oil.

There you go, Life and Lawns in a nutshell.
Anything worth having and caring for, takes work, whether the neighbors observe it or not.
Any questions?

(This post was from a couple days ago, but I am bringing it back to the top because I wanted it to get more attention. It was posted just prior to my screw up when this blog went down)

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CBS backhands troops with Millennium Generation report

60 Minutes' report on today's "Millennium" generation has once again proven the entire staff there, including Morley Safer is old, out of touch, and should retire. The gist of the entire segment was that young adults these days (20-25 year-olds) want to earn a living only on their own terms, which means having a flippant attitude towards management, rules and corporate structure.

Read the full story on the Millennium Generation here

Micro-Managed Trick or Treat

The concept of Halloween has changed a lot in 20 years. In the 1980s, my friends and I started the day's festivities about 6 AM as we dressed in our costumes for school. In those days my favorite character was your standard Dracula. My version of ole' Drac came complete with white face paint, blood dripping from the corners of my mouth, plastic fangs and a black valour cape. If I was lucky, I could find a knotted branch from a crape myrtle tree to use as a magic staff.
The school day was pretty much a throw away on Halloween; filled with parties, costume contests and dramatic improv. (that's why I dressed as Drac because I got to, well, ya know, suck on the girls' necks!) I also remember a particular teacher, Mrs. Stutgert -- a genuine witchy woman -- but on this one day every year, she came dressed as Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz, complete with her gray wire-haired sheepdog, Toto.
Following the bus ride home from school, the treating started. We'd knock every door all the way home and have a half-filled pillow case by 3:15 pm!
By 5, we were back out and hitting up every door within a 3-block radius. To finish off the night, we begged our parents to take us to what we assumed were "rich" neighborhoods, because those people gave away better candy; or so we figured. That usually took us to about 9pm. The treat gathering ended and we headed for home, but not before stopping at McDonald's for a free swirl cone.
Today, the entire process is controlled by governments, school boards and homeowners associations. Tricks and treats have been regulated to the point where it is nearly impossible to pick up the bounty of candy a kid desires: plus, it just ain't any fun anymore.
First off, my boys (they're in Junior High) are not allowed to wear costumes to school on Halloween. The only opportunity they had to share their creativity was at a Fall dance 2 weeks ago. My boys didn't dress up for it though, and good thing, because neither did any of the other kids ... it was just too early. What's more, the school sent home a list of "prohibited" costume-wear.
--no masks
--no full face paint
--no "all black" clothing
--no trench coats or cloaks
--no blood or perceived violent characterizations
So, basically, Mrs. Stutgert's Dorothy would be approved, but the Tin Man, Lion and Scarecrow are all off limits!
And then, us parents have to look in the paper to find out what times the town has approved the actual "Trick or Treat."
Funny, this year it's from 4-6 PM ... I work until 5 and have a 45-minute commute. It figures that government workers would be able to start their trick or treating at 4PM. Plus, it's not even dark at that time, what the heck?
Finally, to top it off, a list was published of certain subdivisions that were "highly discouraging" trick or treaters from neighborhoods outside of the town.
I told the kids that this year, we're foregoing the candy gathering; it's just too restrictive. Instead, we're going to toilet-paper the mayor's house ... no one has outlawed that yet!

Your wife and Your lawn ...

Did you know that wives and lawns are one-in-the-same? I do because I’ve got an ex-wife, and ex-lawn; and a wonderful current wife and wonderful current lawn!
Let’s talk about the “ex’s” first.
My ex lawn: when I got it, it was in horrible shape. It had never been cared for or fed or watered. It was riddled with weeds and flattened out.
Same with my ex wife! (no more needs to be said LOL)
I worked hard on my ex-lawn. I talked to it, cuddled it, watered it and nourished it until it was plump and prissy and the envy of the neighbors!
Same with my ex wife! (no more needs to be said LOL)
However, there came a time when I began to neglect my ex-lawn and it headed on the down-turn … fast! So I sold my ex-lawn and it has a new owner. My ex-lawn still looks terrible and got what it deserved. It’s old and weathered and in bad shape physically.
Same with my ex-wife … ‘nuff said! (It cost me a lot to get rid of her, lemme tell ya! LOL)

My current lawn: I love it. It is always beautiful and stands at attention when I walk by.
My current wife: I love her. She is always beautiful and gets down on her knees when I am around … she says, “Come out from under that bed and face me like a man you bum!” LOL
She takes no crap from me!

On the serious side, lawns are a lot like wives.
Generally speaking, your lawn will tell you when it needs your attention, but you have to pick up on the signs. If you have not fed and watered it properly, it will crunch and lay flat when you walk on it … it will take on a dull gray color that says, “If you don’t get me what I need quick, I’m gonna go dormant on you.”
Your (my) wife is the same way. She needs love and attention. She needs her feet rubbed at night before bed. She needs to know you care. If you, as the husband, don’t put in the time and effort required to make your marriage work, your wife will clam up and go “dormant” on you. You have to learn to pick up on the subtle hints too.
Just last week, my wife said, “I’m busy working, so the laundry is gonna get done on Tuesday instead of today, ok?”
I missed the sign that day. It was up to me to figure out that I should throw a couple loads in Sunday during the Bears game. I missed the hint and she went “dormant” on me for a couple days. It’s my fault, really…I know better! LOL
I know you’re thinking, “This sounds like some heavy, dripping, drivel, from a bad episode of the Dr. Phil Show,” …but it is true. Just ask a guy who has an ex-wife, ex-lawn and a current wife and current lawn!

Trucker Massage and Cheap Disney Tickets

Quick Note Tonight: Becky and I just returned from a long road trip that had us driving South on I-75 through Georgia and into Florida. It's a route I am quite familiar with, but have not traveled in nearly 15 years.
It is quick and mostly trouble-free -- cutting through the heart of my home state ... but something has changed. Don't get me wrong, there are still literally dozens of billboards and signs enticing travelers to pull over for cheap pecans and peaches, and later into the journey, those are replaced by "get cheap Disney Tickets here," and "Florida oranges by the dozen."
There are also hundreds of the old faithful signs advertising the "World Famous Ron Jon Surf Shop."
But something has been added ... something troubling. Dotted about every 10 miles or so are advertisements for "spa massage."
Now, at first mention, the reader may not see this as anything strange, but you'd have to get a since of the entire marketing being employed to get the gist.
First off, the signs are mostly printed with red lettering and yellow background. To me, this has a real "red light district" feel.
Secondly, there is usually a picture of a young oriental girl on the sign. Now maybe I'm stepping out a little far here, but I think this is a draw to truckers, who, are many times Vietnam Vets who indulged in the local prostitutes while deployed "in country."
What's more, the establishments are located in small strip malls right at the exits where really nothing else exists besides, ...well..., truck stops.
Finally, the most damning thing about these signs is the fact that they advertise, "trucker friendly parking areas."
So, you put those 4 together, and draw your own conclusions ... to me it's pretty clear.
And, it's sickening!

If I were a trucker, I'd be offended that the owners of these establishments think they could appeal to me on this level. Are they saying that truckers are just dirty old men looking for a happy ending with a young oriental girl?

And finally, what the hell is Florida law enforcement doing about this? Furthermore, doesn't anyone in Florida find this offensive? Is this the first thing you want tourists seeing as they sing the Mickey Mouse song while crossing the famous Swanee River on their way to Orlando? Talk about "visions of sugar plums!"

Look folks, I'm all for the "It's a Small World" ride and it's message of cross-culture unity, but this is ridiculous!

You can't keep a good Stella down

Now that Spring is long gone, chances are your landscape is lacking flower power. Bright purple, pink and yellow blooms have given way to a canvas over-wrought with green, green and only green. -- Especially if your landscape is "Daylilly heavy" like mine, you may be left wishing you'd planted something that offered more punch during the hotter months.


Not to fear my friends, your Stella's (Stella-de-oro daylillies) can keep pushing blooms all the way until first frost!
That's right, with a little trimming and cutting back, Stella will continue to push out flowers.

Here are what most daylillies look like right now (from a neighbor's yard):

These Stellas were in full glory just a few weeks ago, but now look anemic and sickly, with spent stalks drying up in the wind, and worst of all: NO MORE FLOWERS!

Here's a closeup of a spent stalk. Notice the seed pod left on top. Many folks think this is a flower ready to bud, but it is not. Flower buds on Stellas are long and "torpedo" shaped. The seed pods are stubby and wrinkly..., and in most cases, the seeds are sterile anyway.



















Not to worry! ...

...you can stimulate Stella to send up more blooms by cutting off her "spent" stalks.



Flowers are much like strong-willed people: you just can't keep them from "blooming."

It's the old, "You can't keep a good man (or Stella) down" thing.
We all know people who thrive under pressure. And of course, the cliche's are numerous:

"Diamonds come forth from extreme pressure" ...well, something like that.

"When the going gets tough, the tough get rough" as sung by 80's literary icon, Billy Ocean.

etc etc.

For a more credible reference, read John chapter 15 from the Bible.
The Heavenly Father can much better convey the similarity in pruning people and pruning plants, trees and shrubs; after all, He created both.

If you're not the religious type, then look at it through human wisdom.
How many times has someone told you, "You can't succeed at that, it will never work..."
(they cut you down)

..and you pushed and prodded, and worked (failing several times along the way) and in the end, you proved them wrong and you did, indeed succeed?
Chances are, that critic performed some "mental pruning" that caused you to push harder and with more gusto then you would have otherwise.


Hence our lovely Stellas blooming at a time when others are tired and spent!

You should cut the spent stalks off as low as you can get your pruners. Be sure to make a clean cut. It is also mandatory to cut them off immediately while they are still green. This "tells" the plant that is has lost something viable and it must replace it by sending up more...more flowers!

If you wait until the stalks dry up on their own, then they are worthless anyway and the plant sees no benefit in replacing what was already dead. Make sense? (that's a reference back to John 15 by the way)





At right, I can count at least 10 new blooms shooting up just 5 days after cutting off the spent, green stalks. What's more?...that's 10 blooms on a single stalk! Wow! Most stalks produce between 3 and 5 blooms, but the cutting has really "pissed Stella off" man!!!! Ha!

Now that's resilience!
Don't you just love 'ole Stella?!

And don't you, too, feel good when you accomplish something that forced you to fight through some pain and suffering to get there?

So, next time someone "cuts you off," or "sweeps your legs out from under you," remember Stella! ...and get pissed off and grow!

(yes, Mom, I had to throw in some mild cuss words to convey my point!)
ha!!!

Watering tips for the idiots!

I've come to believe that the average home owner is just plain incompetent and lazy.
What other explanation is there for the fact that people don't put water on their lawns when they are in need?
Are these same home owners changing the filter in the furnace? ...filling the softener with salt? ...scrubbing the soap scum from the bath tub? ...washing their dishes? ...etc?
Aren't there certain responsibilities that come with home ownership?
The answer is, "yes!"

What's more? Well, these same novice home owners will hire a lawn care company to fertilize the lawn throughout the year, but complain when the lawn is not dark green in the middle of July.

You know what we in the industry want to say to you dumb-asses?
"You try going 3 weeks without water and see how brown and crispy you look, Jerkweed!"

So, if you are willing to live up to your responsibility as a home owner, here are the best practices for watering mid-west lawns:

1) 2-3 times per week in each area for 1 solid hour. IOW, a good soaking 3 times per week in the hottest months.
2) water in the mornings if possible to avoid fungal growth.
3) use a sprinkler that keeps the water low to the ground and in larger droplets. Small mist tends to drift away and evaporate quickly. Large soaker drops penetrate to the root system of the lawn quickly.

Lots of people with expensive sprinkler systems have it all wrong too. They program the system to turn on everyday in each zone for 10 minutes. This causes a major thatch buildup because the water does not penetrate to the root system, rather it sits on top of the lawn. In this case, over time, the grass roots turn upward to get to this water and create major "spongy" thatch issues that literally choke the turf.

Good luck! :)

Gotta love the chemicals?!

Let's get down to some good, green business with some solid lawn care tips...
Here's one for you: CHEMICALS ARE GOOD!
That's right, while many out there in HGTV-land try to espouse the use of "organics" in lawn and landscape care, I put my 16 years of experience on the table and say, "Soak em', drench em', pelletize em'...whatever it takes to kill the pests baby!..gimme my chemicals."

Now I'm not by any means encouraging folks to use a product outside the bounds of it's labeling. You should follow the manufacturers guidelines if for no other reason then to keep from toasting your turf!

But I still challenge anyone out there to show me a proven weed control that is truly "organic."
We've all seen the environmental whack-job in our neighborhood right? Sure, he/she is the one with the pale, crispy lawn full of dandelions, thistle and every other invading weed that is spreading from their parcel to all the neighbors'. Moths and other flying and biting pests nestle deeply into the weedy wonderland, only to be disturbed by the occasional passing car, or mis-directed child looking for a shortcut to the bus-stop.

Truth be told (and trust me, I'll tell ya the truth), people who claim to be "anti-chems" are the lazy people who just don't wanna get out and do anything at all, and the environmental angle seems to thwart wood-be neighborhood complainers.
What's more, the people who claim to be "chemical-free" are the same people who clean their toilets with bleach, use gasoline to make their cars run, and put smelly gels in their hair every morning.
Listen, if you're gonna go "chem-free," then put your money where your mouth is and move to the mountains of Tennessee, grow squash and peas, and stop wearing deodorant!
Just don't bring your smelly self to my suburban paradise and ruin my property value with your run-down tri-level house with a lawn full of crap!

My recommendations for basic chemical controls for the lawn (mid-west regions):
7-step yearly program
1) starter fertilizer (20-20-10) in early spring
2) high nitrogen fert with crab grass pre-emergent about 4 weeks later (30-3-3)
3) quality weed-n-feed whenever dandelions start blooming
4) insect control for above and below-ground pests (early June)
5) nuisance pest control granules about 4 weeks later (July)
6) quality weed-n-feed in early fall (30-3-3)
7) 20-20-10 late fall as a winterizer

I also recommend spot-spray liquid for weeds in the lawn throughout the entire season.

In another post, we'll talk about the importance of factors such as proper watering and cutting, as well as aeration, seeding and thatch. (all which happen to be non-chemical solutions to lawn care... )