Bag Phone, Brick Phone & Bluetooth Couth

Dictionary.com Unabridged (v 1.1)
couth /kuθ/ Pronunciation Key - [kooth]
–adjective
1. showing or having good manners or sophistication; smooth:
2. good manners; refinement: to be lacking in couth.

When I was a kid, rich people had car phones. You could pick em' out because of the little squiggly antenna on the back window. But sometime in the latter 1980s, the car phone went mobile. It came in the form of a faux-leather fanny pack attached to a black handset that looked like you got it from the bedside table at the Motel 6:...it was the Bag Phone. It was big; it was bulky; but most of all, it was freakish! I mean, fanny packs were never cool anywhere were they? In fact, to wear a fanny pack, the style gods dictated you also have on Sansabelt slacks, white tube socks and penny loafers. Still, those willing to pay 1-dollar-and-68-cents-per-minute were abundant. I'd see them coming through the line at the grocery store I worked in. It seemed strange to me however, that they were always talking on the thing as they were checking out...as if to say to the rest of us, "I got this really cool fanny packed bag phone, and I'm gonna yell at my mom through it while you put my canned ham and Hot Rod Magazine in paper AND plastic, dude!"
In those days, it was kind of embarrassing for me to overhear someone's private conversation in a crowded, public place. It freaked me out. Either way, people who owned the bag phone were rude, yet cool in their own minds.
A couple years later came the Brick Phone. This one bothered me too; mainly because it was a very strange shade of off-white-grayish, and because when someone had it up to their face, it looked as if they were calling in an air strike!
But the bag and brick phones have nothing on today's technology when it comes to "freakin' me out." Nowadays, it's the blue tooth earpiece that's making me nuts. In this case, the device in and of itself is pretty neat. But the people that use them have nearly drawn me to blows.
Like today after work: I stopped over at Starbucks to grab a grande' with whipped latte... As I neared the counter to order, a guy sitting in the corner across the way looked right at me and annoyingly said, "Did you want me to bring you some damn coffee too?"
He was literally on the other side of the shop, but his voice was loud, like he was calling out to me.
I paused, and said, "Are you talkin' ta me?" ...in my best Chicago accent.
He kept staring in my direction and once again said, "Look, do you want a freakin' coffee or not?!"
I began to walk over to him, at which point he leaned his head down and mumbled, "I gotta go," and then reached to his ear and and touched his roach-sized bluetooth headset. Suddenly, as if coming out of a hypnotic state, he looked up and me and kindly said, "Oh, hello, can I help you with something?"
I immediately figured out that none of his conversation was directed at me ... it was just his lack of BlueTooth Couth that caused him to nearly throw me into a rage.

It seems that people who use these bluetooth sets have 3 things in common:

1) the thing is always in their ear...all day long at work, at home,
weddings, funeral, barmitzvahs; everywhere, all the time, and because of
this, they are always talking on it openly.
2) since the device does not actually stretch all the way to the mouth, people feel they need to speak loudly for it to pick up the sound.
3)because it requires no hands, people tend to keep their head
up, indicating interaction with everyone around them. With a traditional cell phone, it is a natural reaction to dip your head a bit as you speak into it...not so with
blue tooth. In addition, when people use a bluetooth, they go into a trance-like state where even though they are looking right at you, they do not see you until the call is terminated.

You might think that I am just a little overly sensitive...
A few weeks ago, I was taking the train downtown for a meeting. This particular morning, it was standing room only, and even the aisles were shoulder-to-shoulder. About 10 minutes into the trip, a short guy (yep, shorter than me) wearing a suit next to me loudly declares, "I'm gonne be late ta da freekin' meeting, so just wait on me!"
I, too, was wearing a suit and attending a meeting, so I looked at him and realized that he was looking right at me.
"Are you going to the AT&T telecom meeting also?" I asked.
His gaze remained fixed on me and he said again (a little louder this time) "Look Pal, Um on my way over-by-dare and will get ta da place double quick, ya got it?"
"Yeah sure buddy," I said. "What company do you represent?"
Once again came that familiar "awakening" as he came out of his bluetooth trance, looked in my eyes, scoffed, and pushed his way through the crowd to the other end of the train car.
Needless to say, I was completely embarrassed when I saw that silver thing sticking out of his ear as he turned the other way. The whole time he had been speaking on it and I just assumed that since he was looking directly at me; and going to a meeting; and wearing a suit; on the same train as me; that he must be talking to me?!?!?
Publice Service Announcement: If you have a bluetooth headset ... get some bluetooth couth before you take it out and use it!

Am I the only one with this issue? please help...
Disclaimer: Chicago accents represented in this story are the responsibility of the reader and his or her own preconceived notions of what one actually sounds like. If you're not sure, go rent a copy of the Blues Brothers, and then come back and read this article again.

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I need my Ketchup you Bastards!

There's a new trend afoot within the restaurant industry, and it tees me off big time! It has to do with the simplest of condiments: ketchup. Throughout my life, when dining at a "Bar and Grill" type restaurant (ya know, burger, fries and beer or Coke), I've taken great pleasure in dipping the entire contents of my plate into a wide, slithering mound of ketchup. There's just something pleasing about drowning everything in tangy goodness and packing it down with Coors Lt. The bottle is always conveniently located on the table next to the salt and pepper, so you never find yourself wanting...

However, on a recent trip to Hoolihan's Restaurant in Schererville, IN, I was left feeling shorted, upset and angry.

Instead of allowing me to squirt my own ketchup directly from the bottle, they included only a small, white, plastic "cup" of ketchup with my meal...no bottles anywhere in site. Now the reader will need to realize that I was eating chicken fingers (yep, gay food) and fries, so ketchup was an essential cross-over dip with both food items. In addition, the service was horrible this night, and I actually felt guilty asking the server to "please bring 10 more of these little cups of ketchup."

I noticed that Red Lobster started doing this a few years ago also, but it is not as bothersome there because I normally don't dip my crab legs in the stuff.



I am not without understanding here either. I know the bastards who watch the bottom line profits are trying to save the waste, but not at the expense of customer convenience! Afterall, I'm already paying a 400% markup on the "Big Beer," so what's a a few cents in ketchup gonna hurt?

And McDonald's does the same thing. I always "Large Size" my meals, and in turn, I ask for "Super Size Ketchup." Whenever I do this, the $5-dollar-an-hour counter helper smirks at me and puts 3 packets in the bag. Are you kidding me? How about 20 packets you bastards!

Is there anyone else out there that feels this pain, or is it just me? Please leave a comment and vote in my poll about this.

(and yes, I do have possession of those little plastic cups...they just ended up in my to-go box somehow?!?!?!?)

Gobble gobble...

If you like posts where I "rant and rave," you might also find this post appealing:

"Micro-Managed Trick or Treat"

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Yes, you can Smoke a Dandelion

...just a funky picture from this past Spring...

I'm no druggie, but I'll do almost anything for a laugh, including smoking a big fat dandelion. Each April, when dandelions pop, it's a literal gold rush for lawn care operators like me. Each season, I give out a prize for the biggest, fatest dandelion found. This particular specimen was only about 5 inches long, but mega fat, especially its stem.

Dandelions are a perennial weed, meaning a single plant returns year after year. On top of that, they drop thousands of new seeds every season as well. If left unchecked, dandelions will take over a property quickly. Are you ready for next Spring? Only 5 months left

The dandelion pictured is estimated to be 3 years old.

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Don't Crack Your Crowns!

Mother Goose taught us that, “Jack and Jill went up a hill, to fetch a pale of water; Jack fell down, and broke his crown…” From this childhood nursery rhyme we see that jack has apparently broken his skull. (more on this later) Did you know your grass also has a crown that can be cracked and broken?
When grass plants freeze during winter dormancy, their crowns are vulnerable to breaking if stepped on. The crown of the grass plant is the area that pushes up the actual blades. It’s akin to your skull (Jack’s crown) where your hair grows from. When the crowns are frozen, they become brittle and less flexible, and are easily crushed. A crushed crown will not grow back.
The Lawn Application:
During winter, it is imperative that no one walks on your turf. Inevitably, when Spring hits, I get calls and emails from readers asking about dead trails in the lawn that extend from their front porch to the neighbors’. You know what those are? It is where the mailman has walked on the frozen turf all winter and broken the crowns, resulting in dead areas.
We also see a lot of dead spots around driveways after winter. This is sometimes caused by salt used to melt the ice, but more often, it’s where homeowners have stepped on the edges of the lawn when getting in and out of the car.
The Life Application:
The same works for people like Jack. His crown got broken too. Mrs. Goose would lead us fill in the details ourselves: she vaguely states that after “Jack fell down, and broke his crown,” that Jill came “tumbling after.”
But we married men know the truth... Jill was nagging ole’ Jack all the way up that hill. I’m sure she blamed him for their lack of indoor plumbing, and also for the fact that the water well was so far from the house. She wasn’t there to help him “fetch” the water either .... oh no, she was actually chasing him with a rolling pin, cursing all the way.
That caused him to turn cold and dormant… “Yes dear, you’re right honey, I’m sorry,” is what he was saying, but she kept on with her bitchin’. Finally, Jack could stand it no more and completely shut her out of his mind...but then he remembered, “Today is Sunday!”
Once the pale was full, he turned quickly and made a dash for the house...partly to get away from Jill (who was still squawking wildly) and also because the Bears game was about to start!
..and in his attempts to get away from Jill, he fell and broke his crown. Jill’s nagging is what did it! She pounded him just a little too hard!
Oh, and for the record, Jill was only tumbling after in an effort to get the last word.
Watch your crowns boys, grass and otherwise!
Married men...can I get a witness?

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(beer)New post coming .. in the meantime (beer)

I found a funny post on my buddy Bryan's blog. He got overly-sensed by Google Adsense, and had to remove their ads for a while.
If you are not aware, Google Adsense looks at your content and pumps in ads relevant to your topics. He wrote about some ... well, go there to see!
Let's do a test ok?

Here Google--find this...

BEER, BEER, Corona, Schlitz, BEER, BEER, Keystone,

BEER BEER, Bud, Miller, BEER

I like Beer. and Beer and beer.

Micro-Managed Trick or Treat

The concept of Halloween has changed a lot in 20 years. In the 1980s, my friends and I started the day's festivities about 6 AM as we dressed in our costumes for school. In those days my favorite character was your standard Dracula. My version of ole' Drac came complete with white face paint, blood dripping from the corners of my mouth, plastic fangs and a black valour cape. If I was lucky, I could find a knotted branch from a crape myrtle tree to use as a magic staff.
The school day was pretty much a throw away on Halloween; filled with parties, costume contests and dramatic improv. (that's why I dressed as Drac because I got to, well, ya know, suck on the girls' necks!) I also remember a particular teacher, Mrs. Stutgert -- a genuine witchy woman -- but on this one day every year, she came dressed as Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz, complete with her gray wire-haired sheepdog, Toto.
Following the bus ride home from school, the treating started. We'd knock every door all the way home and have a half-filled pillow case by 3:15 pm!
By 5, we were back out and hitting up every door within a 3-block radius. To finish off the night, we begged our parents to take us to what we assumed were "rich" neighborhoods, because those people gave away better candy; or so we figured. That usually took us to about 9pm. The treat gathering ended and we headed for home, but not before stopping at McDonald's for a free swirl cone.
Today, the entire process is controlled by governments, school boards and homeowners associations. Tricks and treats have been regulated to the point where it is nearly impossible to pick up the bounty of candy a kid desires: plus, it just ain't any fun anymore.
First off, my boys (they're in Junior High) are not allowed to wear costumes to school on Halloween. The only opportunity they had to share their creativity was at a Fall dance 2 weeks ago. My boys didn't dress up for it though, and good thing, because neither did any of the other kids ... it was just too early. What's more, the school sent home a list of "prohibited" costume-wear.
--no masks
--no full face paint
--no "all black" clothing
--no trench coats or cloaks
--no blood or perceived violent characterizations
So, basically, Mrs. Stutgert's Dorothy would be approved, but the Tin Man, Lion and Scarecrow are all off limits!
And then, us parents have to look in the paper to find out what times the town has approved the actual "Trick or Treat."
Funny, this year it's from 4-6 PM ... I work until 5 and have a 45-minute commute. It figures that government workers would be able to start their trick or treating at 4PM. Plus, it's not even dark at that time, what the heck?
Finally, to top it off, a list was published of certain subdivisions that were "highly discouraging" trick or treaters from neighborhoods outside of the town.
I told the kids that this year, we're foregoing the candy gathering; it's just too restrictive. Instead, we're going to toilet-paper the mayor's house ... no one has outlawed that yet!

Your wife and Your lawn ...

Did you know that wives and lawns are one-in-the-same? I do because I’ve got an ex-wife, and ex-lawn; and a wonderful current wife and wonderful current lawn!
Let’s talk about the “ex’s” first.
My ex lawn: when I got it, it was in horrible shape. It had never been cared for or fed or watered. It was riddled with weeds and flattened out.
Same with my ex wife! (no more needs to be said LOL)
I worked hard on my ex-lawn. I talked to it, cuddled it, watered it and nourished it until it was plump and prissy and the envy of the neighbors!
Same with my ex wife! (no more needs to be said LOL)
However, there came a time when I began to neglect my ex-lawn and it headed on the down-turn … fast! So I sold my ex-lawn and it has a new owner. My ex-lawn still looks terrible and got what it deserved. It’s old and weathered and in bad shape physically.
Same with my ex-wife … ‘nuff said! (It cost me a lot to get rid of her, lemme tell ya! LOL)

My current lawn: I love it. It is always beautiful and stands at attention when I walk by.
My current wife: I love her. She is always beautiful and gets down on her knees when I am around … she says, “Come out from under that bed and face me like a man you bum!” LOL
She takes no crap from me!

On the serious side, lawns are a lot like wives.
Generally speaking, your lawn will tell you when it needs your attention, but you have to pick up on the signs. If you have not fed and watered it properly, it will crunch and lay flat when you walk on it … it will take on a dull gray color that says, “If you don’t get me what I need quick, I’m gonna go dormant on you.”
Your (my) wife is the same way. She needs love and attention. She needs her feet rubbed at night before bed. She needs to know you care. If you, as the husband, don’t put in the time and effort required to make your marriage work, your wife will clam up and go “dormant” on you. You have to learn to pick up on the subtle hints too.
Just last week, my wife said, “I’m busy working, so the laundry is gonna get done on Tuesday instead of today, ok?”
I missed the sign that day. It was up to me to figure out that I should throw a couple loads in Sunday during the Bears game. I missed the hint and she went “dormant” on me for a couple days. It’s my fault, really…I know better! LOL
I know you’re thinking, “This sounds like some heavy, dripping, drivel, from a bad episode of the Dr. Phil Show,” …but it is true. Just ask a guy who has an ex-wife, ex-lawn and a current wife and current lawn!

Mow Mow Mow your lawn...benefits!

By now you have your little patch of green love fertilized properly and looking super thick and pretty. You've toiled to foil the onslaught of invading dandelions, clover and creeping charlie; and you are on a regular watering and irrigation schedule to keep your investment alive and wavy.
The final basic element involved is the cutting. This is my favorite part of the maintenance process. The positives are not only for the turf grass, but for the home-owner as well.

Benefits to the home owner include:
First off, cutting the lawn involves a power tool, namely, your mower.
Secondly, it involves some form of exercise (for which my wife is appreciative).
Finally, it affords the operator a chance to get some real thinking done.

Let's explore each of these benefits.
(1) The power mower. I use a variable speed, self-propelled 21" Lawn Boy 'sense-a-speed' mower, rear wheel drive. (Oh that sounds sexy just to say out-loud!)
My lawn is only 8,000 square feet, so I am not in need of anything larger; besides, I run that puppy wide open!
In a later post, I'll tell you just how to get those stripes in the lawn that we all like...ya know..., similar to the ones you see in baseball outfields, NASCAR infields, and golf course fairways? Yep, I'll tell and show you how to get em' in your own lawn.
(2) The exercise. It takes about an hour to mow my lawn including edging, weed-whacking and cleanup. That's not bad really. I suppose if I wanted to increase the aerobic benefits in this process, I could lose the "self-propelled" mower option and push the thing, but I'm not really that fat! Ha!
However, one thing I am in favor of to increase the benefit in exercise is mow the lawn 2 or 3 times per week! This helps #3 come more into focus as well as benefits the turf itself: it's a venerable cornucopia of benefaction!
(3) The thinking time! Oh, this is a great one! Ponder this: you are out for 1-hour doing a job that only requires one person to do, that no one else in your household really wants to do anyway (especially if you have teenagers like I do). This means it's all yours; you own it ... completely!
On top of that, your wife can't bark or nag at you during this time because the mower engine noise drowns her out completely and she knows it! It's just plain quiet time for you inside your head! That's better than a hammock under a tree and a Corona Light as far as I'm concerned.

Now let's get down to the tips that benefit the lawn itself.
(1) Mowing height
(2) Mowing frequency
(3) Mowing direction
(4) Mulch or Catch


(1) The height. This one varies according to the type of grass you have. But who *really* knows their grass type? Chances are you have a mix of Kentucky BlueGrass and some sort of fescue or rye. With that in mind, I tell folks to set their mower on the highest or second-highest setting. You just don't want to remove much more than 25% of the grass blade in any single cutting.
It's like this: If I lose a finger-nail, I'm going to be just fine, but if I lose my entire arm, I'm in a world of hurt, ...got it?
And on a side note, ya gotta have a sharp blade. A dull blade rips the grass blades instead of cutting them. Rips turn brown and rob the lawn of it's color.

(2) Assuming proper irrigation year-round, the lawn needs cutting weekly. I've had people call me to complain that after cutting their lawns, they turned yellow. Upon further investigation, I found that they had not cut the lawn prior for a month! Now we're back to the finger-nail vs the arm analogy. Please folks, be responsible and keep your turf trimmed regularly.
As mentioned above, I actually try and get people to mow twice per week, but that's over-the-top for most.

(3) The mowing direction isn't the biggest deal here, but you certainly don't want to mow the exact same way all the time or you take a chance on developing ruts in the lawn. You also will literally push lines of turf down, and "train" them to lay down all the time ... like people "train" their hair to lay a certain direction...this is not a good situation for turf-grass.

(4) Mulch or catch? Ford or Chevy?
Yeah, it's like that. I do both depending on my mood. Catching has benefits in the end because you don't have as much crap to blow off the driveway. If you do mulch, make sure you have a quality mulching blade installed to grind up the cuttings into super-fine bits!

Happy cutting!