Thursday, September 6, 2007

Female sharks like a good rubbin'

I'm addicted to the Discovery Channel. It's Mrs. Figley's 9th grade biology class amped up in high def with a cold soda and popcorn.
Tonight, we watched another shark show, "Sharkman."
Here is the Discovery HD Theater description of the 120-minute program:

Sharkman TV-G, CC-- Michael Rutzen is on a quest to hypnotize, in open water, one of the most dangerous animals on the planet, the great white shark. Mike believes if he can put sharks into tonic, he will reveal a completely different side to their nature.

This Mike dude has been swimming with sharks off South Africa for 15 years. During that time, he's gone from fearing these great predators, to, well, feeling "intimate" with them. He's admittedly lost all natural fear, and even believes that he can think like they do so as to avoid danger.
Strange as it may seem, the guy talks about the fish like he's recounting a night out trolling for chicks at the local dive bar. (pun intended!)
He classifies sharks as either interested in interaction (termed "players") or not interested (termed either "timid" or "aggressive") -- at this point, my smart readers see where I'm headed with this one! :)
The "players" are the ones Mike seeks out because he believes he can put them into a trance or tonic-like state wherein a 1-ton great white shark is literally passed out in his hands.

Sticking with the basic point of the show, and to make a long story short, the guy succeeded. He caused individuals from several species of shark including reef sharks, tiger sharks and great white sharks to literally, go numb to his touch. It was cool to see.

And now I'm going to draw on my Paul Harvey-like instincts and give you "the rest of the story."
Here are the facts you have so far:
1) Male South African (Mike) has a high-stress, extreme profession: hunting big game.
2) Said male South African classifies his meat as either timid, aggressive or player.
3) Mike seeks to put the players into a tonic state and reveal a "completely different side to their nature"

Here are the facts that you do not know yet:
1) the sharks he seeks are always female. The dude sharks won't play with him (maybe because there are no fat faggot sharks right Jerry Lewis?!?!?)
2) the way Mike puts the ladeeez into the trance is by gently massaging the tips of their snouts. The more he rubs, the more they rollover onto their backs until they completely relax.
3) it usually takes him a several encounters of light touching before he can close the deal and get her to rollover.

(note to Mom: this is not perverted, keep reading!)

I'd love for you, my 4 faithful readers, to check out this program for yourself and tell me what you get out of it. In the meantime, here's what I learned:
1) Females, whether shark, or human, love to be rubbed. Every married man knows that his wife likes to have her feet and ankles rubbed. Can I get a witness?!?!?
2) Sometimes the simplest of actions can calm the savage beast. The key to demonstrating love for your mate isn't in spending a lot of money on her, or showering her is lavish's just simply showing basic affection, and studying her ques. Same goes for the shark. Scientists don't need to chum up the waters and put the sharks in a frenzy in order to learn about them -- instead, a simple touch can teach volumes.
3) Big girls (even those weighing a ton) need affection too! just takes a fearless man to give it to them!
4) Those calming moments WILL come to an end, and that will happen on the female's timeframe! Mike could only keep the sharks tranced for mere minutes before they quickly turned and darted away. In this same vein, I told my wife at the end of the show, "Babe, I should have been a marine biologist ... I would love to study ocean creatures."
To which my wife replied brutally honestly, "Whatever, Al, last week you wanted to be a tennis player, a doctor and a hip hop star ... now you want to study fish?...sheesh!"

Needless to say, that ended her foot rub for the evening!