Life & Lawns

Ice Melter In Stock, Buy Now, Buy Early Snow Melt

2008-10-17T14:47:00.003-05:00

UPDATE: we have found a supplier who has ice melt in all quantities for small residential deliveries and large commercial customers as well.

Click Here to BUY ICE MELTER.

Ice Melting products come in many varieties: Calcium Chloride, Sodium Chloride, Potassium Chloride, and Urea. No matter which you choose or where you buy them, there are some common rules to follow when applying ice melter.

*Don't over apply the product. Ice melter is not “snowblower in a bag!” Follow the instructions on the label all the time, every time.

*Don't try to melt away a foot deep snow accumulation. Once again, ice melter is not “Snow Shovel in a bucket!” Before applying ice melting products, shovel away the majority of the snow that has built up.

* Don’t apply ice melt with your bare hands. Use a scooper. When you buy buckets of ice melt here, they come is a plastic scoop included for spreading the product.

*Make sure the container is tightly sealed when storing your ice melter. Ice melt products will absord moisture from the air and harden up, rendering them unusable.

*Don't apply any ice melt product on top of new concrete that has not fully cured.

*All products will have an impact on vegetation like grass or shrubs. Be careful not to throw ice melting products onto plants or lawns directly. After winter is over, spring rains and melting snow will most normally take care of any buildup as long as you have not over-applied the product.

*Try to spread a thin layer of ice melt prior to snow and ice storms. This will make your shoveling and snow blowing easier in the long run.

You can purchase ice melting products in many places. Get them before the next snow storm and be sure to ask about free delivery.

Don't forget, we've moved. Find us here

2008-02-11T22:05:00.003-06:00

Lawn tips and info

Career Advice and Job search tips

lawn spraying services

The Detroit Lawn Care Service guide is now available online. THe Dayton Area Lawn Service guide is also available online. DIY Lawn Tips and Advice

SaddleBack Forum Transcript

Attention Readers, Subscribers, Visitors

2007-12-11T19:44:00.001-06:00

This blog on this free hosted platform is now finishd, over caput, finito!!!!
We have moved everything over to our custom, hosted domain located at: lifeandlawns.com

That's right folks, we've moved to a bigger, better and more organized format. Once again, you can visit the new site here.

Also, if you are a subscriber, please visit the site to suscribe to the feed for a reader such as Google desktop or Yahoo live links..or you can click here and get it now! If you prefer the email version of the feed, please visit the new site and enter your email address in the box on the upper right.

Best thing to do...go visit the new site and leave a comment or two and let me know what you think! See you on the green side!
AL

NFL Flags for Christmas! Show Your Spirit!

2007-12-09T10:07:00.000-06:00

Pro Football is in full swing now, and while my Bears aren't doing so hot, I still like to display my team spirit on Sundays.
The best way to show some team love is to display your team's flag outside for all to see! Or at the least, hanging in the garage, or both?
Just in time for Christmas, a company called Uncommon USA Inc is offering NFL team flags at incredibly hot prices. Uncommon USA is better known for selling telescoping flagpoles and American flags and accessories, but this time of year, the NFL fans flock to them for their team displays. ALL NFL flags are on sale right now for the holidays! Go check em' out!

Donald Trump to remove hedges (no, not his hair...that's a bush)

2007-12-07T21:39:00.000-06:00

Some rich bastards are making Don Trump take down a row of hedges that are apparently blocking their ocean views. The offending ficus are located on one of his golf courses.

Before you read the story, riddle me this one:

Why can't Trump just hire some landscapers to prune the hedge instead of taking it out?

Dumb arse!

story here

Mitt, Mormons, Marketing, Monopolies & Minorities?

2007-12-06T22:16:00.000-06:00

Mitt Romney will not win the Republican presidential nomination in 2008, and he knows it. And after his speech yesterday in College Station, Texas, he has revealed the true reason for his candidacy: Marketing "The Church."

That's right, "The Church" as they strongly urge journalists to refer to them as, is the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, founded on the daydreams of Joseph Smith in the early 1800s. ...And they speak of themselves as the only 'true' church in existence today -- they have a monopoly on God, so it seems. This, to me, at best sounds arrogant:

"After centuries of spiritual darkness (prior to 1820), a restoration
of truth was needed. Under the Direction of our Heavenly Father, the gospel of
Jesus Christ was restored on the earth through the Prophet Joseph Smith. God has
promised it will never be taken from His children again. ... Joseph Smith’s
First Vision marked the beginning of the Restoration of Jesus Christ’s Church to
the earth. In subsequent years, Christ restored His priesthood and reorganized
His Church. He has continued to reveal truths to His prophets and to restore the
blessings that were taken from the earth for a time."

So for hundreds of years prior to 1820 there was nothing but "spiritual darkness?" I guess that means the good Pilgrims were nothing but a bunch of apostates?

Would this also mean, then, that Mitt Romney and other Mormon believers look today at other faiths and belief systems as apostate or false? If so, you can bet that Mitt's cabinet, should he win, would be a 100% Mormon cabinet. Afterall, if he truly believes what his church teaches, it would be nearly a sin to appoint a reprobate to a high position in government. How could Mitt appoint a hell-bound apostate in good conscience?

I did notice that since Romney's speech, the Mormons have also employed an all-out marketing campaign utilizing Yahoo. In the screen shot, you will see my Yahoo-mail homepage. To the right is an extremely annoying flash box that normally contains advertisements for low mortgage rates, cheap air travel, or singles websites. But today, for the first time ever, it is completely monopolized by ads for the Book of Mormon and the Mormon Church. Could the timing of Mitt's speech and this ad showing up be just coincidence, or a sly marketing ploy to draw attention to the church that Joseph Smith dreamed up?
The church addressed this in a press release dated October 27th, 2007:

"The new series was conceived long before the present presidential campaign got underway, and work on the spots began well before a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints announced his candidacy."
However, I still question the coincidence on Yahoo specifically.

Finally, as I researched the Mormons (I was really curious as to why their god gave in to political pressure and changed his mind about the law regarding polygamy) I actually found something more interesting and disturbing. I found that their leadership is made up entirely of white men and a few white women, but no minorities. I searched high and low over their leaders, and even on Mitt's site, and alas, no black folks in leadership. Why is this?

Well, I found an excellent and well-sourced article that explains Mormon theology in the light of their feelings towards people of color. It seems that Mormons and their god once taught that black folks were dark-skinned as a curse for sin, and that they were condemned to live a lowly and comely life. It wasn't until the late 1970s that one of their high leaders declared that god had changed his mind and that black folks were now considered human again.

Seems, however, that a quick view of the Mormon leadership pictured here would tell a different story. I wonder how Mitt, a Mormon, would feel about helping starving people in Africa since he and his arrogant church still view the inhabitants there as once having a "curse" of blackness?
It boils down to this: The Mormon church can attempt to mainstream it's appearance through coy marketing initiatives and seemingly transparent agendas, but in reality, they are nothing more than a secretive, exclusive religion boasting arrogant prophecies that would divide this country and the world even further should one be elected president.

DIGG this story!

Check out John Cow

2007-12-05T19:25:00.000-06:00

Hey guys, I want to plug a website that I really like. It's John Cow dot Com.
It's a "make money online" site with a twist. This one is funny because its entire premise is a spoof of JohnChow.com.
John Chow is a famous internet money-maker. John Cow is a money-maker too, just on a smaller level and not as dry. If you look in my sidebar, you will see an advertisement for his site on the Entrecard button.
Give it a click and head over and check out the cow, and learn how to make Mooney Online.
Mooh, Mooh.

Spam Filters and The Pope

2007-12-04T11:04:00.000-06:00

Just a quick observation today:

(and, NO, this ain't some paid advertisement crap either!)

My company uses a spam-catching-company called MX Logic. I think they do pretty well because they stop about 90% of the garbage that would be coming through to my inbox. In addition, they don't stop too much good mail either. Overall, they do a good job.

Each morning, I get an email from them with a list of quarantined messages and I have to sift through it just to be sure there is nothing important in there.

Oddly enough, Outlook's own spam filters always throw MS Logic's email in to the "junk" folder! Ha!

Isn't that kinda like St. Peter telling the Pope, "Sorry man, you gotta go to that 'other' line over there and get checked out further before we let you through those pearly gates?"

Holy Crap, an Ice Storm ... Let's Block the TV!

2007-12-01T21:29:00.000-06:00

This is not Southern California; it's Chicago. As far as I can tell, this city has been heavily populated for several decades now; and during that time, it's always been very cold and snowy here during winter. But one thing never ceases to amaze me: when the first ice storm of the season hits, news outlets think it's a "breaking story."

My first gripe (yeah, I know, I bitch alot) is that the local stations find it necessary to place a gigantic graphic picture in the lower left corner of the TV screen during prime time...It really invades my viewing pleasure when I'm attempting to watch reruns of Law and Order SVU.

Secondly, it seems that every news brief aired during the breaks looks and sounds like this,

"Winter storms hit Chicago area, see how citizens react to the sudden
onslaught of cold." --local news affiliate headline

What onslaught? It's December you idiots, not July! If this happened on July4th, it'd be news.

...and I'll tell you how people react: they either drive way too fast and slide off the road, or they drive entirely too slowly and get rear-ended by the guy driving too fast! But is that really news when it happens every year? I'd much rather hear Drew Peterson (the local cop suspected of killing 2 of his wives) talk about how his missing wife, Stacey, was a raving witch during her menstrual cycle, or how she wanted a "boobjob and tummy tuck" and he bought it for her on his modest cop salary. (his words, not mine)

Anyway, I know the best way to combat a cold night: meet my brother at Starbucks for a hot latte and some relaxing conversation, and then head home and curl up on the couch and feed my blog. Goodnight!

Check out my online buddy: BloggerNOOB

2007-11-30T13:46:00.001-06:00

Chad sent me an email the other day with these words, "You and I need to get together soon so you can teach me about making money online."

I just had to laugh at this because my response would be, "OK Chad, no problem. My crappy free-hosted blog with great content and cheesy layout has made me a whopping $8.95."

I can't stand the majority of the "Make Money Online" blogs. There are, however, a few that I like to read. One of those is BloggerNoob.

The "Noob" is not a big name in the blogging world. I don't think he has gotten rich on line (yet) and I also don't believe he is much more than 29 years old. But I can learn from him; here's how.

First off, when he updates his site, (I subscribe to his daily RSS feed) he writes several posts. I like this because I can pick and choose from several entries. Also, the length of the posts are not so long as to lose my attention, but not so short as to be too generalized.

Secondly, his site is clean and neat and not full of flashing and blinking advertisements woven into the content. The adds are there, but they are not invasive.

Finally, and most importantly, he is personal and accessible. What I mean by this is that I actually sent him a message the other day asking some specific questions and he promptly answered! That's not gonna happen on the Big Money sites. Also, the advice he gave me was concise and simple.

So, to Chad and my other "BigDaddy Blogging Gang" buddies, go check out the Noob and you will learn about making money online.

Here are some posts I like from his site:

My First House

Setting Up Multiple Blogs

My Official First Month Income

Bag Phone, Brick Phone & Bluetooth Couth

2007-11-27T22:03:00.000-06:00

Dictionary.com Unabridged (v 1.1)
couth /kuθ/ Pronunciation Key - [kooth]
–adjective
1. showing or having good manners or sophistication; smooth:
2. good manners; refinement: to be lacking in couth.

When I was a kid, rich people had car phones. You could pick em' out because of the little squiggly antenna on the back window. But sometime in the latter 1980s, the car phone went mobile. It came in the form of a faux-leather fanny pack attached to a black handset that looked like you got it from the bedside table at the Motel 6:...it was the Bag Phone. It was big; it was bulky; but most of all, it was freakish! I mean, fanny packs were never cool anywhere were they? In fact, to wear a fanny pack, the style gods dictated you also have on Sansabelt slacks, white tube socks and penny loafers. Still, those willing to pay 1-dollar-and-68-cents-per-minute were abundant. I'd see them coming through the line at the grocery store I worked in. It seemed strange to me however, that they were always talking on the thing as they were checking out...as if to say to the rest of us, "I got this really cool fanny packed bag phone, and I'm gonna yell at my mom through it while you put my canned ham and Hot Rod Magazine in paper AND plastic, dude!"
In those days, it was kind of embarrassing for me to overhear someone's private conversation in a crowded, public place. It freaked me out. Either way, people who owned the bag phone were rude, yet cool in their own minds.
A couple years later came the Brick Phone. This one bothered me too; mainly because it was a very strange shade of off-white-grayish, and because when someone had it up to their face, it looked as if they were calling in an air strike!
But the bag and brick phones have nothing on today's technology when it comes to "freakin' me out." Nowadays, it's the blue tooth earpiece that's making me nuts. In this case, the device in and of itself is pretty neat. But the people that use them have nearly drawn me to blows.
Like today after work: I stopped over at Starbucks to grab a grande' with whipped latte... As I neared the counter to order, a guy sitting in the corner across the way looked right at me and annoyingly said, "Did you want me to bring you some damn coffee too?"
He was literally on the other side of the shop, but his voice was loud, like he was calling out to me.
I paused, and said, "Are you talkin' ta me?" ...in my best Chicago accent.
He kept staring in my direction and once again said, "Look, do you want a freakin' coffee or not?!"
I began to walk over to him, at which point he leaned his head down and mumbled, "I gotta go," and then reached to his ear and and touched his roach-sized bluetooth headset. Suddenly, as if coming out of a hypnotic state, he looked up and me and kindly said, "Oh, hello, can I help you with something?"
I immediately figured out that none of his conversation was directed at me ... it was just his lack of BlueTooth Couth that caused him to nearly throw me into a rage.

It seems that people who use these bluetooth sets have 3 things in common:

1) the thing is always in their ear...all day long at work, at home,
weddings, funeral, barmitzvahs; everywhere, all the time, and because of
this, they are always talking on it openly.
2) since the device does not actually stretch all the way to the mouth, people feel they need to speak loudly for it to pick up the sound.
3)because it requires no hands, people tend to keep their head
up, indicating interaction with everyone around them. With a traditional cell phone, it is a natural reaction to dip your head a bit as you speak into it...not so with
blue tooth. In addition, when people use a bluetooth, they go into a trance-like state where even though they are looking right at you, they do not see you until the call is terminated.

You might think that I am just a little overly sensitive...
A few weeks ago, I was taking the train downtown for a meeting. This particular morning, it was standing room only, and even the aisles were shoulder-to-shoulder. About 10 minutes into the trip, a short guy (yep, shorter than me) wearing a suit next to me loudly declares, "I'm gonne be late ta da freekin' meeting, so just wait on me!"
I, too, was wearing a suit and attending a meeting, so I looked at him and realized that he was looking right at me.
"Are you going to the AT&T telecom meeting also?" I asked.
His gaze remained fixed on me and he said again (a little louder this time) "Look Pal, Um on my way over-by-dare and will get ta da place double quick, ya got it?"
"Yeah sure buddy," I said. "What company do you represent?"
Once again came that familiar "awakening" as he came out of his bluetooth trance, looked in my eyes, scoffed, and pushed his way through the crowd to the other end of the train car.
Needless to say, I was completely embarrassed when I saw that silver thing sticking out of his ear as he turned the other way. The whole time he had been speaking on it and I just assumed that since he was looking directly at me; and going to a meeting; and wearing a suit; on the same train as me; that he must be talking to me?!?!?
Publice Service Announcement: If you have a bluetooth headset ... get some bluetooth couth before you take it out and use it!

Am I the only one with this issue? please help...
Disclaimer: Chicago accents represented in this story are the responsibility of the reader and his or her own preconceived notions of what one actually sounds like. If you're not sure, go rent a copy of the Blues Brothers, and then come back and read this article again.

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Christmas Lights, clean, simple, classy (Part 1)

2007-11-24T17:48:00.000-06:00

It's that time of year men (and ladies). It's the time when we go all out in the unwritten, unsponsored, but extremely important competition to out-do the neighbors with holiday spirit ... we do this, of course, with outdoor Christmas decorations and lighting.
In this post, part 1, I will explain some of the basic materials and preparation, as well as my own philosophy in the matter.
Introduction to the "runway" look:
I am not a fan of sloppy, floppy, multi-colored-1980s-looking Christmas lighting. I prefer my outdoor lighting display to be clean, neat, well-ordered, methodical and classy. My setup is made completely using C7 (medium-sized) clear lights. Each light is evenly spaced and laid out logically so as to keep power cords and plugs hidden from view. In short, I want my display to be "tight," and not look like an old, burned out Ferris wheel at a strip-mall parking lot carnival. Interestingly enough, my method also makes putting up and taking down the display much easier year after year.
Definition of the "runway" look:
I'm not sure if I am the first to ever use this term, but I'll take credit nonetheless. The name indicates that your display will be well defined like the outline of an aircraft runway. Every light is exactly spaced and straight. This creates a very classy appearance. (visuals coming in parts 2 and 3)
Supplies needed.
(1) 10 sets of C7 lights. The best place to get them is Walmart where they are about $5 per set.

(2) 4 packs of stake clips and 6 packs of 'shingle and gutter' clips.
(3) 4 extension cords (50 ft each in green)
(4) 2, 3-plug solar-sensing outlets with on/off timers. These save you from having to trek out in the cold at night before bed to turn the lights off.

The above supplies will cover most houses, front and sides. This basic setup is designed to highlight your roof-lines and your bed-lines on the ground. (4 sets for the ground, and 6 sets for the roof.) The cost of these supplies is around $155 total. Keep in mind that it's a one-time investment that will last several years.
Layout and planning.
Here is where you can save yourself some bigtime headaches. Preparing a good plan keeps you from having to remove and re-position clips while you are up on the roof. It will also help you make the most of your extension cords and power source.
(1) Make a generic drawing (bird's eye view) of your property with some basic measurements. Identify your power source (hopefully at the rear of the house) as well as where your solar power strips will be, and how your cords will run to them. Also keep in mind that you can only string 4 or sets together or you will blow fuses (see instructions on box) This will effect they way your layout your lights.

(2) attach clips to lights. For the stake clips on the ground, attach them whichever way you want, just do every light the same. Important: every light gets its own clip. We do not want any sags in the line. For the roof and gutter clips, you need to go outside and visualize how the clips will attach to the roof.

You also need to decide where to start and if the starting end will begin with the male connector or female connector. It helps to go on the roof and place a few clips to see your options because clip positioning varies depending upon if you start your strand with the male end vs the female end. Once again, with the roof line lights, every light gets a clip ... no skipping!

(3) gently tighten all the lights in their sockets as you attach the clips.

Next, move on to Part 2 HERE.

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I need my Ketchup you Bastards!

2007-11-20T11:25:00.000-06:00

There's a new trend afoot within the restaurant industry, and it tees me off big time! It has to do with the simplest of condiments: ketchup. Throughout my life, when dining at a "Bar and Grill" type restaurant (ya know, burger, fries and beer or Coke), I've taken great pleasure in dipping the entire contents of my plate into a wide, slithering mound of ketchup. There's just something pleasing about drowning everything in tangy goodness and packing it down with Coors Lt. The bottle is always conveniently located on the table next to the salt and pepper, so you never find yourself wanting...

However, on a recent trip to Hoolihan's Restaurant in Schererville, IN, I was left feeling shorted, upset and angry.

Instead of allowing me to squirt my own ketchup directly from the bottle, they included only a small, white, plastic "cup" of ketchup with my meal...no bottles anywhere in site. Now the reader will need to realize that I was eating chicken fingers (yep, gay food) and fries, so ketchup was an essential cross-over dip with both food items. In addition, the service was horrible this night, and I actually felt guilty asking the server to "please bring 10 more of these little cups of ketchup."

I noticed that Red Lobster started doing this a few years ago also, but it is not as bothersome there because I normally don't dip my crab legs in the stuff.

I am not without understanding here either. I know the bastards who watch the bottom line profits are trying to save the waste, but not at the expense of customer convenience! Afterall, I'm already paying a 400% markup on the "Big Beer," so what's a a few cents in ketchup gonna hurt?

And McDonald's does the same thing. I always "Large Size" my meals, and in turn, I ask for "Super Size Ketchup." Whenever I do this, the $5-dollar-an-hour counter helper smirks at me and puts 3 packets in the bag. Are you kidding me? How about 20 packets you bastards!

Is there anyone else out there that feels this pain, or is it just me? Please leave a comment and vote in my poll about this.

(and yes, I do have possession of those little plastic cups...they just ended up in my to-go box somehow?!?!?!?)

Gobble gobble...

If you like posts where I "rant and rave," you might also find this post appealing:

"Micro-Managed Trick or Treat"

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Yes, you can Smoke a Dandelion

2007-11-19T20:13:00.000-06:00

...just a funky picture from this past Spring...

I'm no druggie, but I'll do almost anything for a laugh, including smoking a big fat dandelion. Each April, when dandelions pop, it's a literal gold rush for lawn care operators like me. Each season, I give out a prize for the biggest, fatest dandelion found. This particular specimen was only about 5 inches long, but mega fat, especially its stem.

Dandelions are a perennial weed, meaning a single plant returns year after year. On top of that, they drop thousands of new seeds every season as well. If left unchecked, dandelions will take over a property quickly. Are you ready for next Spring? Only 5 months left

The dandelion pictured is estimated to be 3 years old.

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An open letter to: DIY Network, Desperate Landscapes, Jason Cameron

2007-11-17T12:35:00.000-06:00

I am a fan of home improvement TV, but DIY Network's "Desperate Landscapes," hosted by pretty boy, Jason Cameron, is pile of misleading crap that only masks an underlying problem.
Here is a description of the show from their website:

"A little peer pressure goes a long way when you've got a dull and Desperate
Landscape! Watch as Jason Cameron and his team of experts visit homeowners
nominated as having the worst front yards on their block, then help them to make
incredibly dramatic changes in just one day. "

First off, the host, Cameron, is NOT a landscape architect. He's also NOT a landscape designer. Finally, he's NOT even a landscape contractor. Yet he is billed as a "pro" when he meets and works with the homeowners throughout the show. Interestingly enough, the statement above leads you believe that he is accompanied by a "team of experts." However, in the show's video intro, it says, "Jason Cameron, landscape pro and all around handy guy takes..."

Is Cameron a professional or not? Some of you may think I am splitting hairs here, but in my opinion, this degrades the landscape trade. It makes it appear as if anyone who happens to be an all around "handy-man" is already qualified to install hardscapes and plantings. This is misleading to the would-be do-it-yourselfer.

Here is Cameron's bio from the DIY Network website:

"A native of Toledo, Ohio, Jason Cameron is experienced in carpentry and home
remodeling, as well as being an outdoorsman and sportsman. He is a familiar face
to home improvement fans, having been lead carpenter on the TLC series, While
You Were Out. Jason worked his way through college as a carpenter while
attending Northern Michigan University. He is also certified as a personal
trainer, specializing in strength and conditioning. In his spare time, Jason
enjoys working out at the gym, playing volleyball and basketball, and of course,
doing carpentry projects. He currently resides with his wife, Mary Ann, in New
Jersey."

Once again, nothing about landscaping in that bio. It looks to me like the main reason he's qualified is because of his big biceps.

Secondly, the work done on the show is second class. While I will give them props for using a decent variety of plants, and for displaying the the correct pricing, the work Cameron does is poop. In one episode, (see video here under "rustic paver walkway" ) they install cement pavers on top of an existing, unlevel sidewalk. To combat the heaved cement, Cameron decides to use a sledge hammer to remove some of the high areas, yet leaves the cement sidewalk intact in other spots. He then proceeds to scrape a layer of sand across the whole thing and set the pavers. For the record, this is a crime against all hardscapes, and it is dangerous! You NEVER NEVER NEVER install hard pavers on top of an existing cement slab. The reason the existing sidewalk is out of level is due to an improperly prepared base. By adding pavers on top, you will do nothing but make the problem worse. After the first hard freeze, those pavers will move and become unlevel themselves, causing a major safety concern.

The only proper way to lay cement paving stones is over a properly excavated footprint that has been layered with limestone crush to a depth of 4-6" and thoroughly tamped.
(I've lost some of you here I'm sure, so just know that Jason Cameron is an idiot)

Another reason the show is misleading goes back to it's basic premise: that being the "desperate" landscape itself. Folks, landscapes are desperate because their owners are not.

Think about this: Caesar Milan has a show called the "Dog Whisperer," and his claim to fame is that he "rehabilitates dogs, and trains owners."
Caesar says the problem is not the dog, but rather the owner. The dog lives by instinct and breeding, and it's up to the owner to be the "pack leader" and steer the dog in the right direction.
Same with landscapes friends! Trees and shrubs, and grass and weeds, are going to grow as the rain falls and the sun shines. It is up to the homeowner to train these elements and keep them under control. Just because a crew from DIY Network swoops in and installs an entirely new landscape doesn't guarantee a lazy homeowner will decide to take care of it.

To sum it up: a landscape that Jason Cameron saves from being desperate, will be desperate again in under 2 years.
Maybe we should start a DIY show on educating homeowners about taking care of their lawn and land, instead of replacing it? Or maybe they should all just come to this blog and learn for themselves. Finally, I would love to see what these landscapes look like a couple years after their makeover. I don't think Desperate Landscapes has been in production long enough, but if any of you readers know of someone who has been on the show, please drop me a note here.

If you liked this post about lazy and desperate landscapes, try this one:
"Low Maintenance Landscapes"

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Thou Shalt Not Covet Thy Neighbor's Lawn

2007-11-16T09:47:00.000-06:00

"My neighbor's lawn looks a whole lot better than mine, and he never does
anything to it."
-- covetous homeowner

I hear this a lot, so let me address it by taking it away from the context of lawns, and placing it within the framework of life.

Do these statements seem logical?...
(1) Your neighbor's wife looks hotter & happier than yours, and he never pays any attention to her.
(2) Your neighbor's kids are perfectly behaved, and he never gives them any direction, rules or discipline.
(3) Your neighbor makes more money than you and he never goes to work.
(4) Your neighbor's car is in better shape than yours and he never washes it or changes the oil.

There you go, Life and Lawns in a nutshell.
Anything worth having and caring for, takes work, whether the neighbors observe it or not.
Any questions?

(This post was from a couple days ago, but I am bringing it back to the top because I wanted it to get more attention. It was posted just prior to my screw up when this blog went down)

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Paige Davis to return to Trading Spaces-- Good Move

2007-11-15T16:09:00.000-06:00

Trading Spaces is one of TLC's original bread and butter home improvement shows, but has gone considerably down hill in the past few years.

From "Reality Blurred dot com"--TLC is revamping Trading Spaces again by bringing back fired host Paige Davis and bringing in new producers. The show’s old designers will return, too, including Doug Wilson, Hildi Santo-Thomas, Laurie Hickson-Smith, and Frank Bielec. The new show may debut ...

Life & Lawns back on line! I won't take this risk again.

2007-11-15T12:37:00.000-06:00

To my 67,899,001 readers: I am sorry that Life and Lawns has been down for a couple days. I was attempting to make some changes to the hosting and domain and CNAMEs and 'A' records and flux capacitor settings and I jacked up my G-14 classified files being stored in Switzerland. (Google now owns 64.6% of Switzerland, FYI) LOL
Anyway, I will have a REAL Webmaster hook me up/in the right way next time. (Note to self: just because you can over-haul a crappy lawn in 1 week flat doesn't mean you can modify your WWW presence--stick to what you know, dummy!)
In the meantime, thanks for your understanding, and know that I have missed you. (for real)
I will not take a risk like this again...
Blogging for me is like a drug, and I was suffering some massive withdrawals the last few days.
AL

CBS backhands troops with Millennium Generation report

2007-11-11T22:39:00.001-06:00

60 Minutes' report on today's "Millennium" generation has once again proven the entire staff there, including Morley Safer is old, out of touch, and should retire. The gist of the entire segment was that young adults these days (20-25 year-olds) want to earn a living only on their own terms, which means having a flippant attitude towards management, rules and corporate structure.

Read the full story on the Millennium Generation here

Dirty truckers keep finding me, Thanks Google

2007-11-10T03:02:00.000-06:00

In the midst of all the blogs out there that claim to be able to increase your Google page rank and importance and whatever else, I have a claim to fame for this little blog; and it ain't pretty.

Some of you may remember this little post from a couple months back. In short, I was ranting and raving in disgust with all the billboards along Florida's interstate 75 advertising Oriental Massage for wayward truck drivers.

Florida is about family, fun, sun and Disney World, ... not horny truck drivers looking for a happy ending at a roadside whore house.

Well, guess what? Google ranks me number one in their searches for these two key words, "Trucker," and "Massage."

I guess my clever and witty humor noting the similarities between "lawn" care and "life" care means nothing to Google.

You may be thinking, "Al, you're over-reacting...this is no big deal" --until you realize just how many dirty-ass-pervs there are out there actually searching those 2 words!

I've been using a couple of different tools to track my incoming links for this blog. One is from MyBlogLog, and another from BumpZ... and just today, I installed Google Analytics.

Here's the scary part: MyBlogLog and BumpZ only give you brief summaries of your hits and where they originated from. Google analytics, however, is quite comprehensive.

Long story short: Since my rant was published on this subject back in August, MyBlogLog has recorded 39 hits resulting from the key words "trucker" and "massage" searched through Google.

Keep in mind, a "hit" means that the jerkweed actually clicked on to this page to view the article.

Here's the scariest part: Google analytics recorded 7 search hits using these 2 key words just in the past 10 hours!

I don't really know what else to say here except that the internet is a very strange place sometimes. Can you catch cooties from some dirtbag surfing your page?

At the end of the day, I certainly hope I at least pissed off one or two of these freakin' degenerates when they read my post and what it was aiming at. Here's a word of advice: If you're a trucker looking for some fun on the road: take your wife with you next time!

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Don't Crack Your Crowns!

2007-11-08T08:49:00.000-06:00

Mother Goose taught us that, “Jack and Jill went up a hill, to fetch a pale of water; Jack fell down, and broke his crown…” From this childhood nursery rhyme we see that jack has apparently broken his skull. (more on this later) Did you know your grass also has a crown that can be cracked and broken?
When grass plants freeze during winter dormancy, their crowns are vulnerable to breaking if stepped on. The crown of the grass plant is the area that pushes up the actual blades. It’s akin to your skull (Jack’s crown) where your hair grows from. When the crowns are frozen, they become brittle and less flexible, and are easily crushed. A crushed crown will not grow back.
The Lawn Application:
During winter, it is imperative that no one walks on your turf. Inevitably, when Spring hits, I get calls and emails from readers asking about dead trails in the lawn that extend from their front porch to the neighbors’. You know what those are? It is where the mailman has walked on the frozen turf all winter and broken the crowns, resulting in dead areas.
We also see a lot of dead spots around driveways after winter. This is sometimes caused by salt used to melt the ice, but more often, it’s where homeowners have stepped on the edges of the lawn when getting in and out of the car.
The Life Application:
The same works for people like Jack. His crown got broken too. Mrs. Goose would lead us fill in the details ourselves: she vaguely states that after “Jack fell down, and broke his crown,” that Jill came “tumbling after.”
But we married men know the truth... Jill was nagging ole’ Jack all the way up that hill. I’m sure she blamed him for their lack of indoor plumbing, and also for the fact that the water well was so far from the house. She wasn’t there to help him “fetch” the water either .... oh no, she was actually chasing him with a rolling pin, cursing all the way.
That caused him to turn cold and dormant… “Yes dear, you’re right honey, I’m sorry,” is what he was saying, but she kept on with her bitchin’. Finally, Jack could stand it no more and completely shut her out of his mind...but then he remembered, “Today is Sunday!”
Once the pale was full, he turned quickly and made a dash for the house...partly to get away from Jill (who was still squawking wildly) and also because the Bears game was about to start!
..and in his attempts to get away from Jill, he fell and broke his crown. Jill’s nagging is what did it! She pounded him just a little too hard!
Oh, and for the record, Jill was only tumbling after in an effort to get the last word.
Watch your crowns boys, grass and otherwise!
Married men...can I get a witness?

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(beer)New post coming .. in the meantime (beer)

2007-11-07T11:13:00.000-06:00

I found a funny post on my buddy Bryan's blog. He got overly-sensed by Google Adsense, and had to remove their ads for a while.
If you are not aware, Google Adsense looks at your content and pumps in ads relevant to your topics. He wrote about some ... well, go there to see!
Let's do a test ok?

Here Google--find this...

BEER, BEER, Corona, Schlitz, BEER, BEER, Keystone,

BEER BEER, Bud, Miller, BEER

I like Beer. and Beer and beer.

Need help from fellow bloggers/webmasters

2007-11-05T11:06:00.000-06:00

I have a new project/blogsite I am working on. It will not be rolled out until Spring of next year. In the course of planning, I am going to have to build a website and have it hosted as I do not want to run it on the "blogger" platform that this site runs on. I have already purchased the domain.

I looked at Wordpress, but it seems a little too restrictive. I also downloaded some open source software called "Joomla" that seems usable for someone as myself who has little-to-no HTML experience.

Have any of you used Joomla? Could you give me some advice in getting started with it? How user friendly is it? Flexible?

The site will be in an online newspaper format with several pages, and one page will be in a blog format.

Your help is appreciated!

Strange Grocery Store Purchases

2007-11-05T07:01:00.001-06:00

I worked at the Kash-N-Karry grocery store on 34th st and 30th Ave in St. Pete, FL from the age of 16-20. It was my first job (besides mowing lawns) and it taught me a lot. I learned customer service skills, task management, and most importantly, how to fondle the melons in produce without bruising them. (a skill I still cherish today!).

The experience also taught me just how wierd some people are. Spending 4 years in the same store afforded me the opportunity to observe most of the regular customers and take mental notes on their buying habits. Here is some of what I noticed.

(1) Guy in his 60s that would buy multiple types of chocolate bars, cans of green beans and immodium anti-diarrhea pills. (that's all he ever bought!)

(2) Skinny tall guy with a mullet, he always wore faded rock concert T-shirts: He would buy fitness magazines and KY jelly. (I let him bag his own stuff! LOL)

(3) Guy always dressed in a suit (made me think he was either a lawyer or businessman) would buy bottles and bottles of hand soap...like maybe he was literally and figuratively "washing" his hands of his dirty work practices.

(4) Middle-aged woman who would buy dozens of cans of soft cat food, and bottles of sun-tan lotion. Was she rubbing it on the cats? I dunno.

What strange combinations have you noticed people buying at the grocery store?

Weekend Guest Blogger, Patti Chrisman

2007-11-03T07:55:00.000-05:00

Patti and her husband Steve are high school friends of mine. Patti is a full time Mom of 4 and lists her occupation as "supervisory" and the industry as "non-profit." :)

Her post from October 27th fits very well with the purpose of this blog. Please see below, visit her page and leave her a comment if you feel lead...

A lesson from the leaves

I was driving in the car the other day and I was looking at the changing leaves on the trees. Some trees lose their leaves in little sections at a time. Others change colors slowly all over. Others lose all of their leaves quickly. Some trees stay green longer than most of the other trees, then begin to change colors and drop leaves. Even trees of the same kind don't change at the exact same rate. Some trees change colors but the leaves cling to the tree until the leaves are totally shriveled up. Yet others don't lose leaves at all.
Seeing this, I thought of sin in people's lives ... (see the rest here)

Obama not patriotic? See the details

2007-11-01T21:53:00.001-05:00

Stick with me on this one friends... politics is crap, but this one is worth the read.

In case you haven't heard yet, Sen. Barack Obama (D-Illinois) is being lambasted by the right for his apparent refusal to put his hand on his heart during the singing of the National Anthem last month at an Iowa democratic gathering. I could give a flip about politics these days, but when I saw the picture in question, it was immediately clear to me what was really going on at the moment in question.

We first need to realize that the true meaning of any single moment captured on film is not always a sum of it's parts melded together. Many times, as I was taught in USAF journalism school, the truth is in the details. Here is the picture as it originally appeared in Time Magazine:

At first glance, it does appear that Obama is deliberately refusing to perform his patriotic duty as an American by placing a hand over his heart during the rendering of our nation's anthem. However, the reader and viewer need to realize the context of the day.

First, this gathering took place in Iowa corn country in a pokey town named Indianola. I can't see the rest of the crowd there, but I'd be willing to bet it's full of red-haired, freckle-faced knuckle-dragging hillbillies with side jobs as meth-cookers.

Secondly, the event was a "steak fry." Once again, this supports my contention about the hillbilly factor. No self-respecting red meat eater fries a steak!

Finally, Bill Richardson looks really sexy wearing a gold button sport coat, ToughSkin blue jeans and Dingo boots ... but the wide stance: at the least it looks like a page directly from the book of Larry Craig, or at best, a screen shot from a Brokeback Mountain movie poster.

See below as I have broken the photo down for you:

Finally, if you are very observant, and you're a regular reader of this blog, you've already noticed the very best part of the picture is the beautiful specimen pink Fall mum in the planter basket right in the middle!

Unabashed

2007-10-31T22:11:00.000-05:00

un·a·bashed (ŭn'ə-bāsht')
Not disconcerted or embarrassed; poised.
Not concealed or disguised; obvious: unabashed disgust.

I want to introduce my 8,342 regular readers to one of my new favorite writers, Matt Mitchell. Even though he's a Navy fish, he's still gained my respect and admiration as a fellow blogger and lawn care enthusiast. First off, he's got a huge, 6-acre grass patch that he mows each week. He's got a manly John Deere tractor, but plans to invest in a 4-wheeler with bush hog attachment as soon as his wife dot com gives him the "go-ahead." (I feel his pain) I'm sure he'll convince her to let him splurge on the 4-wheel drive option as well ... just in case the weeds get out-of-hand. LOL

Secondly, his blog site is 80% content and not a bunch of stupid "how to make money" ads that hinder the reader...you can actually visit the site and find some good thoughts from a unique mind. He's got several projects/works pending, and you can find out about them as you explore his site. (he's obviously pretty smart because his blog is Wordpress, which is way too complicated for me)

What's more, he's a sports fan and has a second blog entitled "Real Men Wear Houndstooth" in which the most recent post trashes Alabama ESPN radio. I gotta figure that whoever they got down there sucks as much ass as Dan Patrick does up here on our local ESPN affiliate.

Either way, go check out Matt's humor and view on life...I'm sure you'll be impressed.

Leave him a comment and let him know that "Big AL" sent you!

Micro-Managed Trick or Treat

2007-10-30T20:22:00.000-05:00

The concept of Halloween has changed a lot in 20 years. In the 1980s, my friends and I started the day's festivities about 6 AM as we dressed in our costumes for school. In those days my favorite character was your standard Dracula. My version of ole' Drac came complete with white face paint, blood dripping from the corners of my mouth, plastic fangs and a black valour cape. If I was lucky, I could find a knotted branch from a crape myrtle tree to use as a magic staff.
The school day was pretty much a throw away on Halloween; filled with parties, costume contests and dramatic improv. (that's why I dressed as Drac because I got to, well, ya know, suck on the girls' necks!) I also remember a particular teacher, Mrs. Stutgert -- a genuine witchy woman -- but on this one day every year, she came dressed as Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz, complete with her gray wire-haired sheepdog, Toto.
Following the bus ride home from school, the treating started. We'd knock every door all the way home and have a half-filled pillow case by 3:15 pm!
By 5, we were back out and hitting up every door within a 3-block radius. To finish off the night, we begged our parents to take us to what we assumed were "rich" neighborhoods, because those people gave away better candy; or so we figured. That usually took us to about 9pm. The treat gathering ended and we headed for home, but not before stopping at McDonald's for a free swirl cone.
Today, the entire process is controlled by governments, school boards and homeowners associations. Tricks and treats have been regulated to the point where it is nearly impossible to pick up the bounty of candy a kid desires: plus, it just ain't any fun anymore.
First off, my boys (they're in Junior High) are not allowed to wear costumes to school on Halloween. The only opportunity they had to share their creativity was at a Fall dance 2 weeks ago. My boys didn't dress up for it though, and good thing, because neither did any of the other kids ... it was just too early. What's more, the school sent home a list of "prohibited" costume-wear.
--no masks
--no full face paint
--no "all black" clothing
--no trench coats or cloaks
--no blood or perceived violent characterizations
So, basically, Mrs. Stutgert's Dorothy would be approved, but the Tin Man, Lion and Scarecrow are all off limits!
And then, us parents have to look in the paper to find out what times the town has approved the actual "Trick or Treat."
Funny, this year it's from 4-6 PM ... I work until 5 and have a 45-minute commute. It figures that government workers would be able to start their trick or treating at 4PM. Plus, it's not even dark at that time, what the heck?
Finally, to top it off, a list was published of certain subdivisions that were "highly discouraging" trick or treaters from neighborhoods outside of the town.
I told the kids that this year, we're foregoing the candy gathering; it's just too restrictive. Instead, we're going to toilet-paper the mayor's house ... no one has outlawed that yet!

What will I write about during Winter?

2007-10-29T22:57:00.000-05:00

I got an email today from a fan of this blog (no lie, really, a real life fan!) and he wanted to know just what topics I'll explore now that the lawn season is pretty much over here in the Chicago area.
"Have no fear," I replied. "Allyn Paul is full of ideas and opinions and bitches and whines."
I plan to still include some Life and Lawn type articles, but I will sprinkle in some more ranting, raving, lame attempts at humor and the occasional post about making money blogging.(hey, buy something here please...) More importantly, I will share with you my knowledge on home improvement. This winter, I am tasked with finishing "Man Land," a.k.a. the basement bathroom. I want to take you step by step through that process.
Oh, and I almost forgot, I need to teach these young kids who are new to home ownership (you know who you are over there on the right in the "blog friends" links) how to put up Christmas lights the right way. One of my pet peeves are Christmas lights that are hung all crooked and crappy! Sheesh! Oh, and please don't put up the multi-colored C6 lights (the fat ones) that were popular in 1982! Stick to a nice, clean, clear light that looks fresh and...well, you'll have to wait for the post and pics on this one...
Last thing: please pray for me as I am feeling a little empty nest syndrome since I tucked my lawn mower in to hibernation for the long winter to come. See the pics, and send your comforting thoughts my way please.

Planting bulbs now brings rewards later

2007-10-28T20:24:00.000-05:00

Fall is the time to plant bulbs. A small investment of time now will pay off in huge dividends in the Spring, and far into the future. I have great respect for homeowners who take the time to plant fall bulbs, because it involves some careful forethought. It is also demonstrates patience in that the reward for the work comes months later, and not instantly. Surprisingly, most people will not take the time to plant bulbs because of the absence of "instant gratification." (stay with me folks, there's a "life" lesson in your future) But first, let's look at the planting criteria for bulbs.

It's really a very simple process. First off, the soil needs to be in the range of 55-60 degrees (that's now if you live in the Midwest). This is the optimum temperature to stimulate the newly planted bulbs to begin to "root," but not so cold as to freeze them prematurely.

I like to plant my bulbs using a paddle-bit for an electric drill. I find that the 1.5" bit makes the perfect sized hole for a standard tulip bulb, and makes a clean hole fast.

You should follow the planting directions that come with the bulbs you purchase, but the standard depth for tulips is usually 6". Place a piece of tape on the shaft of the bit at the 6" mark to gauge your depth with drilling. Once you drill the hole, be sure to place the bulb in right side up (see pictures) and use the shaft of an old hammer to gently push the bulb to the base of the hole. Next, cover with some top soil and mulch...finish by watering them thoroughly.

As I stated above, planting bulbs, in my opinion, is the mark of the mature and wise gardener. Tulips and other bulbs are interesting because they "naturalize" or spread over time. Most species of tulips naturalize-when unaffected by rodents- via underground stems called stolons, or daughter bulbs. The new naturalized plants are usually identical to the parent plant.

Planting 20 or 30 bulbs now will bring 20 or 30 beautiful early Spring flowers, but the next year, the numbers will double, and grow exponentially year-after-year.

The Life Lesson:

I have noticed something similar with my kids. There are small bits or "bulbs" of wisdom that I've buried into them that seem useless to them at the time, but as they have aged, those bits of wisdom naturalized and are now producing some positive outcomes.

A simple, but important one would be how to properly shake a man's hand. I taught my boys at the ages of 6 and 7 how to properly shake hands: firm grip, stiff arm, look the man in the eye, etc. When the boys were very young, it was kind of a joke to them when they'd practice what I taught them. However, now that they are teenagers, the skill has naturalized and is now second "nature" to them, and they shake hands like men. I can only wonder if as they become adults, the difference between them getting a good job or not will be in the way they shake the interviewer's hand. It will be interesting to see this one naturalize exponentially over time.

A great place to view and purchase a wide selection of quality bulbs is here:

Your wife and Your lawn ...

2007-10-24T16:34:00.000-05:00

Did you know that wives and lawns are one-in-the-same? I do because I’ve got an ex-wife, and ex-lawn; and a wonderful current wife and wonderful current lawn!
Let’s talk about the “ex’s” first.
My ex lawn: when I got it, it was in horrible shape. It had never been cared for or fed or watered. It was riddled with weeds and flattened out.
Same with my ex wife! (no more needs to be said LOL)
I worked hard on my ex-lawn. I talked to it, cuddled it, watered it and nourished it until it was plump and prissy and the envy of the neighbors!
Same with my ex wife! (no more needs to be said LOL)
However, there came a time when I began to neglect my ex-lawn and it headed on the down-turn … fast! So I sold my ex-lawn and it has a new owner. My ex-lawn still looks terrible and got what it deserved. It’s old and weathered and in bad shape physically.
Same with my ex-wife … ‘nuff said! (It cost me a lot to get rid of her, lemme tell ya! LOL)

My current lawn: I love it. It is always beautiful and stands at attention when I walk by.
My current wife: I love her. She is always beautiful and gets down on her knees when I am around … she says, “Come out from under that bed and face me like a man you bum!” LOL
She takes no crap from me!

On the serious side, lawns are a lot like wives.
Generally speaking, your lawn will tell you when it needs your attention, but you have to pick up on the signs. If you have not fed and watered it properly, it will crunch and lay flat when you walk on it … it will take on a dull gray color that says, “If you don’t get me what I need quick, I’m gonna go dormant on you.”
Your (my) wife is the same way. She needs love and attention. She needs her feet rubbed at night before bed. She needs to know you care. If you, as the husband, don’t put in the time and effort required to make your marriage work, your wife will clam up and go “dormant” on you. You have to learn to pick up on the subtle hints too.
Just last week, my wife said, “I’m busy working, so the laundry is gonna get done on Tuesday instead of today, ok?”
I missed the sign that day. It was up to me to figure out that I should throw a couple loads in Sunday during the Bears game. I missed the hint and she went “dormant” on me for a couple days. It’s my fault, really…I know better! LOL
I know you’re thinking, “This sounds like some heavy, dripping, drivel, from a bad episode of the Dr. Phil Show,” …but it is true. Just ask a guy who has an ex-wife, ex-lawn and a current wife and current lawn!

Winterize Your Lawn NOW!!

2007-10-22T13:17:00.000-05:00

In the Chicago area, we winterize everything.
The television and radio are inundated with advertisements urging people to get their vehicles ready for winter. In addition, this past weekend, I winterized my pool for the long, cold months to follow.
People are sealing their driveways, plastic shrink-wrapping their boats, and servicing their furnaces. It’s time for winter!
So why should your lawn be any different?

The best reason to take some time with your lawn now, is so you will have less to do next Srping. Here are some tips:

(1) Fertilize. I recommend a double-dose of 20-20-10 granular fert. The reason I put it down double heavy is because some of the nutrients will be used by the lawn now as we are bound to have some 65 degree days in November. The leftover nutrients will remain in the soil and be used by the lawn in March and April. Remember, the thick blanket of snow that sits on the lawn all winter will melt in Spring … just like a nice, heavy rainfall!
(2) Aerate. Aeration is a mechanical process wherein cores of soil are actually removed from the lawn. This removing of cores (about the size of a roll or dimes) helps to relieve compaction. It also allows the grass roots to spread out, thus thickening the lawn. The best time to aerate is now because this is when grass roots form. (as opposed to the grass growing on top in the Spring). You can rent an aerator for about $40 for 4 hours, or call a professional lawn company to do it for about double the cost.
(3) Seed. This is also a good time to overseed the lawn. Overseeding accomplishes several things, but I like to generally overseed the lawn to add in new cultivars that are disease resistant. Remember, cheap seed is garbage! Buy the good stuff that has 0% weed content!
(4) Edge. I recommend a good edging of the lawn using a metal blade edger. This will get all the overgrowth (the grass that flops over the sidewalks and driveways) out of the way when you go to shovel the snow.
(5) Bagging. You should go ahead and bag your lawn clippings for the final couple mowings just to keep things nice and clean. You also might consider cutting the lawn 1” shorter than normal on the final cut of the season. This acts as a way to “rejuvenate” the turf in the Spring.

My boss -- a true leader

2007-10-16T00:01:00.000-05:00

My boss ... his name is "Stan." He and I have worked together for about 5 years now, and we have a very smooth working relationship that breeds success in many areas of the business. We are also friends.
Inevitably, there are times when we disagree or have a conflict. Even worse is that these conflicts are usually due to something I have done ... or not done.
Take last week for an example: There was a very important analysis and pre-order due Friday regarding marketing materials for the 2008 selling season. Now, the reader will need to understand how important these materials are. After all, my title is "Marketing Manager" and my entire reason for getting a paycheck hinges on my ability to drive the marketing activities in our $8.5 million business. Marketing materials; ie. printed forms, brochures, mailers leave-behinds, response cards, etc. -- play a big part in the grand scheme!
...Back to the analysis...I had plenty of notice that it was due, and I meant to get it done ... really! But, I forgot. (or maybe I just got a little lazy ... but we won't let Stan know that!)
Friday morning I was running a few errands and making my way into the office and I got a call on the cell. It was Stan.
Now, Stan never calls me outside of the office unless it is important, so when I noticed his number on the caller ID, my stress level jumped a notch.
"Hey Al," he said in a somber, yet inquisitive voice, "Did you get that literature order done that is due today?"
I paused for an uncomfortable moment and apologetically and humbly replied, "No, I forgot, but I will get on it first thing today when I get to the office...I'm on my way now."
Stan replied, "Allright, well, yeah, it's important to get that done, ya know what I mean, right ... you remember we talked about it don't you?"
It's hard to describe the way he ended the call outside of the words he spoke, but the way he said them is what conveyed the gravity of the situation. He sent a clear message to me, but never raised his voice...the way his tone and inflection came over he phone; ... it was like he was saying, "I know you have dropped the ball here, and I am very disappointed in you and expect you to make this right -- or else."
And therein lies the crux of this post. Stan has a way of conveying himself that makes his employees want to do right...especially when they screw up.
We've all worked for bosses who yell and scream and throw tantrums over such things, and quite frankly, they may well be within their rights to do such. However, people have an amazing ability to see themselves as the "victim" when a punishment is thought to be "over-the-top."
When the victim status is self-assigned, there is nothing but bitterness and anger to follow, and the business suffers.
That's why Stan knows a better way. Stan knows how to leverage the respect of his person, coupled with the respect of his position in order to lead his employees to success.
Sometimes being a leader means you offer mercy when it is not deserved, and you purposefully "act" instead of emotionally "react" in order to boost the morale and productivity of those around you.
Or, as in the case I speak of above, you press a guy's "reset" button without pulling the emergency shutoff switch or tripping the main breaker!
What do you think? Which type of boss are you? ... or what type of boss do you work for?
Comments welcome...

Creative Spammer Names

2007-10-05T10:49:00.000-05:00

Do you get a lot of spam email? …I do.
I believe it’s because my company email address has been active for nearly 10 years. Over that span of time, I’ve used this email addy for everything from confirming my latest Johnston and Murphy shoe order, to it being a point of contact for potential job applicants. Due to this fairly “public” use of the address, I have to think that every spammer from the Silicon Valley to Bangor, Maine has me somewhere in their mass list.
I get offers to buy enhancement drugs (somebody trying to tell me something???), computer software, trips to exotic locals, investment secrets and sometimes a sweet offer on how to by Yankee Candles directly from China. (ain’t they made in Deerfield, Mass.?)
The good news, however, is that most of crap gets caught in my company’s spam filter.
This is a good, but sometimes bad thing…
As anything technological goes, the spam filter sometimes catches emails that are not actually spam. Because of this, I have the daily task of combing through dozens of emails caught in the filter to make sure that there are no legitimate ones in there.
In doing this, over the years I have noticed some pretty creative spam email names that have caught my eye. The products and services they are schlepping are nothing new, but their names are.
Here is a list of some of the more creative ones I’ve seen and my thoughts about them:
Panka Dago (sounds like a new dance is ‘da club’)
Dumps Terdive (your Mamma didn’t like ya much!)
Minnie Reynebuster (how about the full sized Reynebuster?)
Stempy Tubesteak (Oxymoronic?)
Tubby Ishmael (Opposite of a 'Stempy Tubesteak')
Spike DaStike (Gotta be a Chicago Mob Boss)
Leopold Triglicerine (Inventor of a heart medicine?)
Paul Abdulla (shemale Iranian version of the singer?)
Toofs Periodonatal (cartoon character with gum disease)
Beefy Coagulated (rare steak left sitting out too long)
Major Contratulatory (something I deserve daily!)

Have you noticed any funny spam names? Comments encouraged…

More to this Life

2007-09-27T22:36:00.001-05:00

I post this video as a reminder to me of God's blessings and true direction for my life. I also post this for a good friend of mine who is going through some rough times...I'm praying for you!

I Love Fall Mums

2007-09-15T18:58:00.000-05:00

Beautiful !

Fall Hardy Mums are some of my favorite flowers. The colors they come in are rare and beautiful: Deep reds, coral pinks, magenta and yellow.
Here are a few pics of mine, planted 2 weeks ago. These will last through Thanksgiving with proper watering. They will also grow to about twice the size they are now.

I have learned over the years that these flowers must be planted early, while temps are still in the high 50s, so they can take root prior to cold snaps. I buy mine from Home Depot and pay no more than $1.25 each. (why spend a bunch of money on flowers that die after 3 months?)

It is important they be planted in well-drained soil. They should be watered daily until temps reach the upper 30s at night, at which time they need no more watering.

I have a new blog to schlep!

2007-09-15T03:30:00.002-05:00

Please visit my newest blog,

http://www.myfavorite80s.blogspot.com/

I will be posting some of the best videos from the 1980s, as well as reliving some of my favorite 80s trends.

Enjoy!

Ambit Illinois Natural Gas

People, the best investment [Part 1]

2007-09-08T20:50:00.000-05:00

"The basis for investing"

To most of you, the video below will mean nothing. In fact, you will probably lose interest in the first 30 seconds; ... but for those who I work with everyday, it's a source of pride and accomplishment. It represents their stand!
Each year at our office -- a stress-driven marketing unit -- we make a video celebrating the year's triumphs and troubles. The video is compiled and shown at our annual Sell-a-Thon, which is the biggest sales week of the year for myself, my team of managers, and our nearly 35 sales reps.
The annual viewing of this video has become a high point of the selling season.

For me, however, these yearly commemorative videos serve a larger purpose. They motivate me to continue working with, developing and promoting those good people who God allows me to influence. They remind me of why I lead and manage my team.

I was taught in school that "a leader is someone who instills within the heart of the follower, a desire to follow."

I believe this to be true; and the way a leader instills this desire is by investing in his followers or subordinates.

Pretentious of me to think this way? ...maybe, but God knows my heart.

And, for the record, investing in, and developing people, is not just about promoting them inside of my company. It's also not about getting myself promoted. The motives must be pure and unselfish, or the leader will not last long.

It's about having a part in enriching the overall being of every person who falls within your reach. The investment is true, and the dividends are loyal and wise followers whose lives are better because you've had a part in them.
I attempt to invest something in each and every person who works with me. I'm not always successful, but sometimes I am.
As I look at these videos, and the faces flashing across the screen, I see these returns on my investment:
1) several who have been promoted to management within our company
2) 4 who are now missionaries in other countries
3) 6 who are assistant pastors
4) 5 teaching in Christian schools
5) scores who are good, solid members of churches around the country.
6) good friends whom I love

Those are good investments!
(also, to those who do not know, I hire 90% of my employees from a local Christian college ... this is good for my business, but also good for the students paying their way through college. I thank the Lord for placing me where I am)

(Special thanks to Bryan Seddon, assistant manager and right-hand man, for producing and supervising the exceptional video below... you are irreplaceable!)

Prior to viewing, let the content load a while so you don't get a choppy feed!

http://view.break.com/355513 - Watch more free videos

Female sharks like a good rubbin'

2007-09-06T22:25:00.000-05:00

I'm addicted to the Discovery Channel. It's Mrs. Figley's 9th grade biology class amped up in high def with a cold soda and popcorn.
Tonight, we watched another shark show, "Sharkman."
Here is the Discovery HD Theater description of the 120-minute program:

Sharkman TV-G, CC-- Michael Rutzen is on a quest to hypnotize, in open water, one of the most dangerous animals on the planet, the great white shark. Mike believes if he can put sharks into tonic, he will reveal a completely different side to their nature.

This Mike dude has been swimming with sharks off South Africa for 15 years. During that time, he's gone from fearing these great predators, to, well, feeling "intimate" with them. He's admittedly lost all natural fear, and even believes that he can think like they do so as to avoid danger.
Strange as it may seem, the guy talks about the fish like he's recounting a night out trolling for chicks at the local dive bar. (pun intended!)
He classifies sharks as either interested in interaction (termed "players") or not interested (termed either "timid" or "aggressive") -- at this point, my smart readers see where I'm headed with this one! :)
The "players" are the ones Mike seeks out because he believes he can put them into a trance or tonic-like state wherein a 1-ton great white shark is literally passed out in his hands.

Sticking with the basic point of the show, and to make a long story short, the guy succeeded. He caused individuals from several species of shark including reef sharks, tiger sharks and great white sharks to literally, go numb to his touch. It was cool to see.

And now I'm going to draw on my Paul Harvey-like instincts and give you "the rest of the story."
Here are the facts you have so far:
1) Male South African (Mike) has a high-stress, extreme profession: hunting big game.
2) Said male South African classifies his meat as either timid, aggressive or player.
3) Mike seeks to put the players into a tonic state and reveal a "completely different side to their nature"

Here are the facts that you do not know yet:
1) the sharks he seeks are always female. The dude sharks won't play with him (maybe because there are no fat faggot sharks right Jerry Lewis?!?!?)
2) the way Mike puts the ladeeez into the trance is by gently massaging the tips of their snouts. The more he rubs, the more they rollover onto their backs until they completely relax.
3) it usually takes him a several encounters of light touching before he can close the deal and get her to rollover.

(note to Mom: this is not perverted, keep reading!)

I'd love for you, my 4 faithful readers, to check out this program for yourself and tell me what you get out of it. In the meantime, here's what I learned:
1) Females, whether shark, or human, love to be rubbed. Every married man knows that his wife likes to have her feet and ankles rubbed. Can I get a witness?!?!?
2) Sometimes the simplest of actions can calm the savage beast. The key to demonstrating love for your mate isn't in spending a lot of money on her, or showering her is lavish things...it's just simply showing basic affection, and studying her ques. Same goes for the shark. Scientists don't need to chum up the waters and put the sharks in a frenzy in order to learn about them -- instead, a simple touch can teach volumes.
3) Big girls (even those weighing a ton) need affection too! ...it just takes a fearless man to give it to them!
4) Those calming moments WILL come to an end, and that will happen on the female's timeframe! Mike could only keep the sharks tranced for mere minutes before they quickly turned and darted away. In this same vein, I told my wife at the end of the show, "Babe, I should have been a marine biologist ... I would love to study ocean creatures."
To which my wife replied brutally honestly, "Whatever, Al, last week you wanted to be a tennis player, a doctor and a hip hop star ... now you want to study fish?...sheesh!"

Needless to say, that ended her foot rub for the evening!

ANXIETY: Grub Worm of the Soul

2007-08-13T21:33:00.000-05:00

With several weeks of hot temps, followed by last week's heavy rains here in the Chicago area, the dreaded grub worm is preparing for it's annual late Summer feast. And, since you have been a regular reader of this blog, you certainly are a prime candidate because you've followed all of my advice to the letter, and your lawn is perfectly healthy and green; ripe for an all-you-can-eat frenzy.

If you are seeing brown spots in your well-irrigated lawn, chances are that grubs are the culprit. All you have to do is lift up the outer edges of the dead spots and look for the "little shrimp" feeding underneath. If you find them, go get some Sevin or other granular insecticide and spread it across the entire lawn and water it in.

Even if you are not yet seeing any brown patches, I'd still recommend you put down something as a preventative measure. In many cases, the grub damage does not manifest itself outwardly until later September. By this time, the damage has been done, and is more extensive, requiring severe corrective measures.

Worry and anxiety operate the same way on the human state of mind.

See if you are with me here: ... Sometimes I get this "worry twinge" in the pit of my stomach. It seems to originate from nowhere, but settles in a specific place deep down. This is not to be confused with the constant "sense of urgency" that comes with working a high stress job. This is above and beyond that; it bares a heavy, strengthening pitch.

This "worry twinge" may hang with me for several hours before I give it a notice during my hectic day. If I'm busy enough, I may consciously decide to "shove" it to the back of my mind; but inevitably, it boils over to the point where I must address it.

I sit down and comb through the events of the day until I get a "hit" on a subject. Maybe it's just me, but the "hit" comes when I am mentally scrolling through my list of responsibilities, and I come across one that stabs a little sharper. This indicates to me that I'm onto the one that has changed from general responsibility, to concern, to worry, to anxiety. It's the one that has manifested itself like the grub worms in the lawn.

How has this happened? Usually it is because I have neglected something, or ignored it, or have been scared to face it, and it has festered "underneath the lawn" of my psyche, until it is now pushing outward with a vengeance.

I have couple of choices: Either I can face the issue and get it under control (put some grub killer on it), or I can choose to ignore it and let it eat me alive (and destroy the entire lawn)

What I've learned is the best cure for anxiety and grub worms is proper prevention.

For grub worms, it's always best to treat the lawn prior to seeing any brown spots, and with the anxiety in your soul, the same applies ... it's just not so cut and dry.

Here are some ways that I have learned to keep down the anxiety.

1) drink lots of beer! Ha...just kidding Mom!

2) stay organized. You can apply this to every area of your life and I do not have enough space to teach organization here. Thank God my wife helps me on this one!

3) make yourself do the uncomfortable. The way to beat anxiety is to hit it head-on. This takes you out of your comfort zone, but gives a feeling of accomplishment when it's done.

4) realize that your problems/concerns are not insurmountable. Others have been through it and have survived; so can you.

5) have faith. I know that George Michael sang about it, but it is true. Have faith in your God, and in His ability to pull you through.

6) go help someone in need. There is nothing like "giving" to make you forget about your own pitiful state.

7) look back at your own wisdom. Think about past anxieties that you have overcome and how small they now seem to be...this too shall pass.

Trucker Massage and Cheap Disney Tickets

2007-08-07T22:05:00.000-05:00

Quick Note Tonight: Becky and I just returned from a long road trip that had us driving South on I-75 through Georgia and into Florida. It's a route I am quite familiar with, but have not traveled in nearly 15 years.
It is quick and mostly trouble-free -- cutting through the heart of my home state ... but something has changed. Don't get me wrong, there are still literally dozens of billboards and signs enticing travelers to pull over for cheap pecans and peaches, and later into the journey, those are replaced by "get cheap Disney Tickets here," and "Florida oranges by the dozen."
There are also hundreds of the old faithful signs advertising the "World Famous Ron Jon Surf Shop."
But something has been added ... something troubling. Dotted about every 10 miles or so are advertisements for "spa massage."
Now, at first mention, the reader may not see this as anything strange, but you'd have to get a since of the entire marketing being employed to get the gist.
First off, the signs are mostly printed with red lettering and yellow background. To me, this has a real "red light district" feel.
Secondly, there is usually a picture of a young oriental girl on the sign. Now maybe I'm stepping out a little far here, but I think this is a draw to truckers, who, are many times Vietnam Vets who indulged in the local prostitutes while deployed "in country."
What's more, the establishments are located in small strip malls right at the exits where really nothing else exists besides, ...well..., truck stops.
Finally, the most damning thing about these signs is the fact that they advertise, "trucker friendly parking areas."
So, you put those 4 together, and draw your own conclusions ... to me it's pretty clear.
And, it's sickening!

If I were a trucker, I'd be offended that the owners of these establishments think they could appeal to me on this level. Are they saying that truckers are just dirty old men looking for a happy ending with a young oriental girl?

And finally, what the hell is Florida law enforcement doing about this? Furthermore, doesn't anyone in Florida find this offensive? Is this the first thing you want tourists seeing as they sing the Mickey Mouse song while crossing the famous Swanee River on their way to Orlando? Talk about "visions of sugar plums!"

Look folks, I'm all for the "It's a Small World" ride and it's message of cross-culture unity, but this is ridiculous!

Shark Week: devour the sailors, save the sharks!

2007-07-30T20:31:00.000-05:00

I just love Shark Week on the Discovery Channel. I believe the shark is one of God's perfect creations. It is an unwavering, uncompromising predator.

But the people who run Shark Week really crack me up.

For 2 months now, they've been advertising the "Deadliest Shark Attack in US History," in regards to the sinking of the USS Indianapolis. Long story short, the boat sank, and all the crew were devoured by hungry sharks.

Here's the funny part. While this movie/dramatization showing sailors being sucked under and ravaged by evil sharks is being aired -- during commercials -- a guy comes on to tell us how "even though the shark is a dangerous man-eater, their numbers are dwindling due to over fishing and game hunting -- we need to protect them." ... something to that effect anyway.

Is it just me, or is this a mixed message? Isn't the draw of shark week the fact that sharks are killers? I don't think any one's tuning in to see the sailors holding hands and singing cum-baya!

This ain't a Disney flick.

We're tuning in to see carnage! We like sharks because they hunt innocent, resort island lawmen like Roy Scheider!

(for you youngin's, that's a reference to the Jaws movies)

So tonight I'm watching again, and here they are with the same public service announcements going during every break, while a South African dive team chums up the waters with blood and guts, lours in several species of sharks, shoots tracking darts into their asses, and then decides to hand-feed them while shoving a shiny camera in their faces!

Yeah, that does a lot to help the shark become as beloved as Bambi!

And, to put a personal cap on the story, my wife and I are off tomorrow for a trip to the Bahamas. Of course, we aren't going to be doing any shark hunting or fishing or darting. Nope, we're going safe: we're gonna be swimming with stingrays ... and since I'm no Crocodile Hunter, I should be just fine!

Later!!!!

About Me

2007-07-29T22:19:00.000-05:00

I started my first lawn business at the age of 14 with an orange Sears push lawnmower and a drive to earn some money to take my girlfriend to the movies. In those days, I knew nothing of grass types, grass care, grass weeds or even how to smoke grass. All I knew was the Florida sun was hot, but $8 for 45 minutes of work was a pretty good deal. It was easy to "mow" and "blow"...I had 4 customers.

Today, I am still in the "green" industry. I'm based in Chicago and work for the world's largest lawn and landscape company...big time baby! (Nope, ain't gonna give ya the name because I'm not sure how the the CEO would react.) I started with this company 10 years ago as a tree and shrub pruning specialist. A year later, I worked my way into the marketing department and manage that department today. You can see my own lawn and landscape here.

In addition to the above, I served in the United States Air Force from 1993-1997, after earning a 2-year degree from St. Petersburg College.

My time in the Air Force was invaluable. I was fortunate to have the job of public affairs specialist, which is basically photojournalism. It was during these years that I developed a love for writing...and drinking coffee.

One other interesting fact: From 1997-2001, while working full time for my company, I also attended a Baptist college in the midwest where I majored in Theology. I never graduated from this school, mainly due to fooishness and stupidity on my part ... to this day, I am 16 credits short. Doh!

Here are some posts that will help you understand this site:

Posts that incorporate both LIFE and LAWNS

Thou Shalt Not Covet Thy Neighbor's Lawn
Your Wife and Your Lawn
You Can't Keep a Good Stella Down

Posts with LAWN or LANDSCAPE tips

Planting Bulbs Now Brings Rewards Later
Mow, Mow, Mow Your Lawn
Christmas Lights, Clean, Simple, Classy

Posts that I think are FUNNY or where I RANT AND RAVE

Bag Phone, Brick Phone and Bluetooth Couth

I Need my Ketchup You BASTARDS!
What Will I write about During Winter?

Thanks folks, and feel free to leave comments! Here is my contact information should you wish to cuss me out or send me some link love. email

Bikinis and Lawn Care? Ugghh!

2007-07-22T23:50:00.000-05:00

Over the line ... tan line, that is.

http://www.wrcbtv.com/news/?sid=9849

Yep, some perv has decided to market his lawn mowing business by employing pot-bellied, cottage-cheese-legged hussies to "perform" the labor. Lord help us!

My first thought (honestly): What about safety issues? ...flying debris? Weed whackers throw a lot of crap around! I'd hate to see that chafing!
My second thought (honestly again): How sexy could these chicks be when they pull up to their 4th or 5th stop of the day at high noon with grass clippings smeared on their cankles and dirt embedded between their toes?
My third honest thought: Nobody, and I mean; nobody, looks good straining and struggling while guiding a 350 lb commercial lawn mower off the landscape trailer.

Definition of a "cankle" can be found here: http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=cankle

You can't keep a good Stella down

2007-07-10T02:35:00.000-05:00

Now that Spring is long gone, chances are your landscape is lacking flower power. Bright purple, pink and yellow blooms have given way to a canvas over-wrought with green, green and only green. -- Especially if your landscape is "Daylilly heavy" like mine, you may be left wishing you'd planted something that offered more punch during the hotter months.

Not to fear my friends, your Stella's (Stella-de-oro daylillies) can keep pushing blooms all the way until first frost!
That's right, with a little trimming and cutting back, Stella will continue to push out flowers.

Here are what most daylillies look like right now (from a neighbor's yard):

These Stellas were in full glory just a few weeks ago, but now look anemic and sickly, with spent stalks drying up in the wind, and worst of all: NO MORE FLOWERS!

Here's a closeup of a spent stalk. Notice the seed pod left on top. Many folks think this is a flower ready to bud, but it is not. Flower buds on Stellas are long and "torpedo" shaped. The seed pods are stubby and wrinkly..., and in most cases, the seeds are sterile anyway.

Not to worry! ...

...you can stimulate Stella to send up more blooms by cutting off her "spent" stalks.

Flowers are much like strong-willed people: you just can't keep them from "blooming."

It's the old, "You can't keep a good man (or Stella) down" thing.
We all know people who thrive under pressure. And of course, the cliche's are numerous:

"Diamonds come forth from extreme pressure" ...well, something like that.

"When the going gets tough, the tough get rough" as sung by 80's literary icon, Billy Ocean.

etc etc.

For a more credible reference, read John chapter 15 from the Bible.
The Heavenly Father can much better convey the similarity in pruning people and pruning plants, trees and shrubs; after all, He created both.

If you're not the religious type, then look at it through human wisdom.
How many times has someone told you, "You can't succeed at that, it will never work..."
(they cut you down)

..and you pushed and prodded, and worked (failing several times along the way) and in the end, you proved them wrong and you did, indeed succeed?
Chances are, that critic performed some "mental pruning" that caused you to push harder and with more gusto then you would have otherwise.

Hence our lovely Stellas blooming at a time when others are tired and spent!

You should cut the spent stalks off as low as you can get your pruners. Be sure to make a clean cut. It is also mandatory to cut them off immediately while they are still green. This "tells" the plant that is has lost something viable and it must replace it by sending up more...more flowers!

If you wait until the stalks dry up on their own, then they are worthless anyway and the plant sees no benefit in replacing what was already dead. Make sense? (that's a reference back to John 15 by the way)

At right, I can count at least 10 new blooms shooting up just 5 days after cutting off the spent, green stalks. What's more?...that's 10 blooms on a single stalk! Wow! Most stalks produce between 3 and 5 blooms, but the cutting has really "pissed Stella off" man!!!! Ha!

Now that's resilience!
Don't you just love 'ole Stella?!

And don't you, too, feel good when you accomplish something that forced you to fight through some pain and suffering to get there?

So, next time someone "cuts you off," or "sweeps your legs out from under you," remember Stella! ...and get pissed off and grow!

(yes, Mom, I had to throw in some mild cuss words to convey my point!)
ha!!!

My landscape

2007-06-24T21:51:00.001-05:00

Here's a view of my lawn and landscape. Just look at that beautiful striping in the turf!
We had this home built 3 years ago. I constructed the entire hardscape and plantings myself. I also started the lawn from scratch. It is 100% seeded using turf-type tall fescue.
(click on the photos for larger, more detailed views)

I am also very fond of daylillies. Mine are mostly stella-de-oro.
Notice the specimen river-birch. This tree was purchased at Home Depot 3 years ago for $9.99. At that time, it was small: about 3 feet tall. Now, with proper care and pruning, it is nearly 15 feet tall and has a beautiful bronze trunk.

Each plant in this landscape, with the only exception being the topiary rose of sharon, was purchased for less than $10 at my local Home Depot. I like buying smaller plants; mainly because they are cheaper, but also because I get to dictate their growth rate and habits, as well as take a little pride in their raising. (yep, I'm and green geek!

One last thing: Notice the flowers on those hostas! I think that is one of the coolest things about them!

Low Maintenance Landscapes?

2007-06-23T21:31:00.000-05:00

I'm into the so-called "home shows." From Bob Villa to Paige Davis, and everyone in between, I'm watching them on Saturday mornings. My favorites, of course, are the landscape shows.
--Some are good, and some are really quite bad. I even find some to be downright annoying... ...especially the ones where the home has a value of $500,000 or more, yet the homeowners are squawking about keeping the landscape budget under $1,500.
Yet, others are on the opposite end. The landscape designer plants a forest of trees and installs a $20,000 hardscape around a house where the siding is falling off.
Either way, I get a lot of good information from these programs, namely, I've learned that you really don't have to know jack-squat about landscaping in order to have your own landscape show. Big biceps, a metro-sexual swagger, and floppy surfer hair will get you a job hosting any of them.
What I want to focus on, however, is a concept that seems to be running rampant across the gamut. That thread being the concept of a low maintenance landscape.
Just exactly does that mean?
Is the homeowner telling you they don't have a green thumb? ...or are they just saying they don't like to sweat in the garden?
Whatever the reason, I have some news for you: the only low maintenance landscape is made from sand and mortar mix, otherwise known as concrete!

I have to share with you the sad state that some people keep their landscapes in.
I recently saw several homes in a high-class subdivision with landscapes that looked like they belonged in the rear parking lot of the local bowling alley rather than in front of a million-dollar property. Why is this?

The truth is, folks, anything worth having requires periodic maintenance.
Your car requires weekly maintenance, including filling up with gas and washing ... yet, when you're done with it, it is worth nearly nothing.

Have you ever heard a husband say, "I'm looking for a low-maintenance wife!"
The truth is, anyone who's been married knows that prospect is pure, laughable fiction.
How about the low-maintenance teenager? ...does that being exist? No way!
Maybe I could get a low maintenance job. You know, the kind of job where you work if you feel like it, show up when you just happen to get some time, and still get your full paycheck at the end of the week.
Look folks, the wages of hard work in any endeavor almost always yields reward.
Why would you not find a similar value in your green spaces?

Here are some basic tips for maintaining a healthy landscape:
(1) Watering. Yep, the trees and shrubs need to be watered also. Run the hose on them a couple times per week. By the way, your lawn sprinkler won't do the trick ... so don't waste your water.
(2) Fertilizing. I like having a pro do this. They can drench or inject liquid fertilizer in the root zone of your plants in Spring and Fall. This really gives them a major boost.
--also, don't waste your money or effort on plant spikes. Those work great for houseplants, but are minimally effective in outdoor situations.
(3) Pruning. This one can be fun if you make it such. I'm not a fan of the super shape or contour. I like a natural, but not overgrown look. I perform 99% of my landscape pruning with a hand pruner and clip a few limbs here and there throughout the entire growing season. This allows me to continually monitor my plants, as well as it puts less stress on them when only small amounts are clipped within one setting.

Mow Mow Mow your lawn...benefits!

2007-06-13T14:03:00.001-05:00

By now you have your little patch of green love fertilized properly and looking super thick and pretty. You've toiled to foil the onslaught of invading dandelions, clover and creeping charlie; and you are on a regular watering and irrigation schedule to keep your investment alive and wavy.
The final basic element involved is the cutting. This is my favorite part of the maintenance process. The positives are not only for the turf grass, but for the home-owner as well.

Benefits to the home owner include:
First off, cutting the lawn involves a power tool, namely, your mower.
Secondly, it involves some form of exercise (for which my wife is appreciative).
Finally, it affords the operator a chance to get some real thinking done.

Let's explore each of these benefits.
(1) The power mower. I use a variable speed, self-propelled 21" Lawn Boy 'sense-a-speed' mower, rear wheel drive. (Oh that sounds sexy just to say out-loud!)
My lawn is only 8,000 square feet, so I am not in need of anything larger; besides, I run that puppy wide open!
In a later post, I'll tell you just how to get those stripes in the lawn that we all like...ya know..., similar to the ones you see in baseball outfields, NASCAR infields, and golf course fairways? Yep, I'll tell and show you how to get em' in your own lawn.
(2) The exercise. It takes about an hour to mow my lawn including edging, weed-whacking and cleanup. That's not bad really. I suppose if I wanted to increase the aerobic benefits in this process, I could lose the "self-propelled" mower option and push the thing, but I'm not really that fat! Ha!
However, one thing I am in favor of to increase the benefit in exercise is mow the lawn 2 or 3 times per week! This helps #3 come more into focus as well as benefits the turf itself: it's a venerable cornucopia of benefaction!
(3) The thinking time! Oh, this is a great one! Ponder this: you are out for 1-hour doing a job that only requires one person to do, that no one else in your household really wants to do anyway (especially if you have teenagers like I do). This means it's all yours; you own it ... completely!
On top of that, your wife can't bark or nag at you during this time because the mower engine noise drowns her out completely and she knows it! It's just plain quiet time for you inside your head! That's better than a hammock under a tree and a Corona Light as far as I'm concerned.

Now let's get down to the tips that benefit the lawn itself.
(1) Mowing height
(2) Mowing frequency
(3) Mowing direction
(4) Mulch or Catch

(1) The height. This one varies according to the type of grass you have. But who *really* knows their grass type? Chances are you have a mix of Kentucky BlueGrass and some sort of fescue or rye. With that in mind, I tell folks to set their mower on the highest or second-highest setting. You just don't want to remove much more than 25% of the grass blade in any single cutting.
It's like this: If I lose a finger-nail, I'm going to be just fine, but if I lose my entire arm, I'm in a world of hurt, ...got it?
And on a side note, ya gotta have a sharp blade. A dull blade rips the grass blades instead of cutting them. Rips turn brown and rob the lawn of it's color.

(2) Assuming proper irrigation year-round, the lawn needs cutting weekly. I've had people call me to complain that after cutting their lawns, they turned yellow. Upon further investigation, I found that they had not cut the lawn prior for a month! Now we're back to the finger-nail vs the arm analogy. Please folks, be responsible and keep your turf trimmed regularly.
As mentioned above, I actually try and get people to mow twice per week, but that's over-the-top for most.

(3) The mowing direction isn't the biggest deal here, but you certainly don't want to mow the exact same way all the time or you take a chance on developing ruts in the lawn. You also will literally push lines of turf down, and "train" them to lay down all the time ... like people "train" their hair to lay a certain direction...this is not a good situation for turf-grass.

(4) Mulch or catch? Ford or Chevy?
Yeah, it's like that. I do both depending on my mood. Catching has benefits in the end because you don't have as much crap to blow off the driveway. If you do mulch, make sure you have a quality mulching blade installed to grind up the cuttings into super-fine bits!

Happy cutting!

Watering tips for the idiots!

2007-06-12T13:06:00.000-05:00

I've come to believe that the average home owner is just plain incompetent and lazy.
What other explanation is there for the fact that people don't put water on their lawns when they are in need?
Are these same home owners changing the filter in the furnace? ...filling the softener with salt? ...scrubbing the soap scum from the bath tub? ...washing their dishes? ...etc?
Aren't there certain responsibilities that come with home ownership?
The answer is, "yes!"

What's more? Well, these same novice home owners will hire a lawn care company to fertilize the lawn throughout the year, but complain when the lawn is not dark green in the middle of July.

You know what we in the industry want to say to you dumb-asses?
"You try going 3 weeks without water and see how brown and crispy you look, Jerkweed!"

So, if you are willing to live up to your responsibility as a home owner, here are the best practices for watering mid-west lawns:

1) 2-3 times per week in each area for 1 solid hour. IOW, a good soaking 3 times per week in the hottest months.
2) water in the mornings if possible to avoid fungal growth.
3) use a sprinkler that keeps the water low to the ground and in larger droplets. Small mist tends to drift away and evaporate quickly. Large soaker drops penetrate to the root system of the lawn quickly.

Lots of people with expensive sprinkler systems have it all wrong too. They program the system to turn on everyday in each zone for 10 minutes. This causes a major thatch buildup because the water does not penetrate to the root system, rather it sits on top of the lawn. In this case, over time, the grass roots turn upward to get to this water and create major "spongy" thatch issues that literally choke the turf.

Good luck! :)

Gotta love the chemicals?!

2007-06-11T23:16:00.000-05:00

Let's get down to some good, green business with some solid lawn care tips...
Here's one for you: CHEMICALS ARE GOOD!
That's right, while many out there in HGTV-land try to espouse the use of "organics" in lawn and landscape care, I put my 16 years of experience on the table and say, "Soak em', drench em', pelletize em'...whatever it takes to kill the pests baby!..gimme my chemicals."

Now I'm not by any means encouraging folks to use a product outside the bounds of it's labeling. You should follow the manufacturers guidelines if for no other reason then to keep from toasting your turf!

But I still challenge anyone out there to show me a proven weed control that is truly "organic."
We've all seen the environmental whack-job in our neighborhood right? Sure, he/she is the one with the pale, crispy lawn full of dandelions, thistle and every other invading weed that is spreading from their parcel to all the neighbors'. Moths and other flying and biting pests nestle deeply into the weedy wonderland, only to be disturbed by the occasional passing car, or mis-directed child looking for a shortcut to the bus-stop.

Truth be told (and trust me, I'll tell ya the truth), people who claim to be "anti-chems" are the lazy people who just don't wanna get out and do anything at all, and the environmental angle seems to thwart wood-be neighborhood complainers.
What's more, the people who claim to be "chemical-free" are the same people who clean their toilets with bleach, use gasoline to make their cars run, and put smelly gels in their hair every morning.
Listen, if you're gonna go "chem-free," then put your money where your mouth is and move to the mountains of Tennessee, grow squash and peas, and stop wearing deodorant!
Just don't bring your smelly self to my suburban paradise and ruin my property value with your run-down tri-level house with a lawn full of crap!

My recommendations for basic chemical controls for the lawn (mid-west regions):
7-step yearly program
1) starter fertilizer (20-20-10) in early spring
2) high nitrogen fert with crab grass pre-emergent about 4 weeks later (30-3-3)
3) quality weed-n-feed whenever dandelions start blooming
4) insect control for above and below-ground pests (early June)
5) nuisance pest control granules about 4 weeks later (July)
6) quality weed-n-feed in early fall (30-3-3)
7) 20-20-10 late fall as a winterizer

I also recommend spot-spray liquid for weeds in the lawn throughout the entire season.

In another post, we'll talk about the importance of factors such as proper watering and cutting, as well as aeration, seeding and thatch. (all which happen to be non-chemical solutions to lawn care... )